Social Skills & the 2e Child

M

Social skills and social anxiety rank as a top concern for parents of 2e learners. Parents worry their child doesn’t have enough friends, doesn’t attend enough social events, or only engages socially online. Parents wonder if they should place their kids in a social skills class and/or schedule social activities for their children. Or maybe the 2e learner has asked their parents for support in making friends, but the parents aren’t sure where to start or how to support the process. Some 2e adults vociferously object to social skills classes for kids. What’s a parent to do? Listen as three experts discussed these complex challenges across the K-12 age range: Toni Ratzburg of Beacon Wellness addressed elementary age social skills building blocks; Doug Ronning of Gamescape Center talked about how D&D, LARP, and other role play games can be used for social experiences and coaching in an enjoyable, real-time way; and Dr. Hadley McGregor focused on social skills strategies for older adolescents and young adults, drawing on her extensive experience including with the PEERS evidence-based program and her clinical practice. Explore ways to support your 2e learner—and yourself—on their social journey.

---

Read the transcript here

Talk about the help and later in November we're also going to have a session about working memory and the 2E learner so we hope you can join us for some of those events as well and RSVP on our website. And just so you know Real provides additional services, we have a Google group where parents ask questions and support each other and share resources for 2E students. You can get all the information we've mentioned here on our website, you can also follow us on Facebook and Twitter and all of our previous sessions are available to watch on YouTube.

And just so all of you know we also offer educator professional development workshops. If you would like Real to come speak at your school please share us with your principal, your teacher or your district and we'd be happy to speak on a wide variety of topics related to 2E. So tonight we are very excited to have three amazing speakers here to talk about social skills and 2E students.

We're going to have them each do about a 10-minute presentation and after which we will take Q&A from the audience. If during the presentations you think of questions feel free to add them in the chat and we will get to them when all the speakers have finished talking. So first we are going to have Tony Ratzbergsbee.

Tony is a marriage and family therapist specializing in gifted and 2E children and families. She is the founder of Beacon Wellness Team, a therapy group that provides specialized counseling and therapy for gifted and 2E individuals. She created a unique training program to coach the next generation of mental health professionals in truly understanding the needs of our gifted and 2E community.

Tony has worked at private and public schools for many years and now provides training and coaching for SEL programs to schools in the Bay Area. She is the parent of two gifted elementary age children, one 2E. Hey, great, Tony.

Thank you everyone. I need to share my screen so give me just one moment to get that going. Okay, can everyone see it okay?

Yes, okay, perfect. So thank you so much. I heard the word excited a couple times and I am, I'm so excited to be here tonight and just like others are this is really exciting to see so many people interested in this topic.

And as I was going through and planning it it was amazing how many natural everyday things made me think I want to include that or oh that makes me think about this and so it's a timely conversation that we're having tonight. And as a parent of two elementary school kids I can tell you I know there's amazing influence we can have at this time but it's also completely overwhelming in others. For example if you were to Google like how do we help social skills, how do we help support our kids, you start getting image after image and blog after blog and it can just be like what do I even do and then you add in the twice exceptionality of our children and it can be overwhelming.

We know that they're searching for so much and they're trying so hard. I'm sorry I'm getting a little feedback, there we go. But one of the things that comes up too is that as we talk about these social experiences our own experiences come into it.

Every conversation I've had with an adult about social skills it's like I want them to have what I have or I want them to avoid what I went through and so it's hard on parents and I just want to take a moment to recognize that. And as I was creating what I wanted to share with you tonight I thought of what would a parent want to hear right, so not just what are skills to teach them but just kind of a game plan where do we go from here. And so talking about what your role is as a parent of an elementary child it's really to ensure that they feel respected in your family and that their inherent worth as a human is valued, like that's game one, number number one.

And then after that how do you respectfully help coach them and how do you teach them skills and remember that they are still children and they're learning to regulate through your guidance and practicing overcoming challenges with you providing safety. So there's six sections here I'm going to jump into today that can help you in doing that. So the first is leaning into your child really honoring who they are and what they want in life and I recommend that you get so familiar with your child, know their likes, know their dislikes, what are their skills, what are their challenges, what are their diagnoses and what is giftedness, try to get dive deep get to know them and spend as much time as you can talking with them and creating an environment at home that's safe.

Our society doesn't talk about challenges, we like to hide it but what we do know is when we don't talk about it it leads to questions, it leads to anxiety or kind of this restless feeling of what's going on. And our 2E kiddos they can feel really uncomfortable, they can create, have anxiety come up because they feel misunderstood. If we talk to them not only about what they're going through but what maybe others are going through it can calm it down and it can really be reassuring for them.

So as you're leaning into your child you also lean into your family, talk about everybody, talk with everyone, you know obviously you want to be respectful of you know privacy between the siblings and things like that. But if you have a child who stims the sibling may really benefit from understanding what's going on and how that's helping their sibling or if one of your child has slow processing speed they might really benefit from saying hey you know this is what this impacts your conversations like and then they're armed with knowledge and they're curious and they're very compassionate. If we model acceptance they get to be children and be loving and supportive and so that's something you can do leaning in.

Related to this is to really get to know your child is to give them the why behind something. If you want them to share with you, if you want them to do an experience not only talking about that experience but talk about why that's important and this is also a good tip for like homework or rule following, healthy behavior things like that, give them the why, why does this matter and then find out what their perspective is on it. Because if you're encouraging them to go do something new and they go oh yeah that makes sense I should do it but I'm nervous about it your response as a parent is completely different than if they come to you and say nope I don't share that value with you mom and so you get to know them, you know how to have those conversations, you know what you can do.

And then creating safe spaces, this might seem kind of obvious but it's so easy to rush our kids into a situation and so when you're thinking about what are you doing for them if you want them to take a risk make it safe. You can think about a time you were doing something new or you were asked to do something you're feeling uncomfortable about it, if you imagine you know having good rest you're feeling healthy you're feeling calm you're gonna present in one way, if you're nervous if you're lack of sleep or maybe you're not feeling sick it's going to go a different way. So think about that with your children, is you want to set them up for success, help them feel safe, have that solid foundation so they don't have to worry about those things.

This might be having a safe person, might be having sensory tools like noise canceling headphones, it might be as simple as making sure they have a hoodie or they know when to take that hoodie off but just thinking about that with that lens can make a space really safe. When you're trying new things and putting them into new spaces think about going small, you don't have to take a leap, if they're anxious in social situations don't jump to a week-long. Well so sexual education is really important and dating and things like that and so I can understand why anxiety would come up now of just like how to get them to play or interact with others and I think just having those conversations is important.

When it comes to conversations it can be hard because sometimes our kids shut us down and they're not going to talk to a parent about what we want to talk to them about and so I think finding someone it doesn't even have to be a professional right, like it can be and that can be someone in their corner but maybe it's a grandparent or it's a family friend that you trust and you can give them total freedom to have time with that person. It's hard as a parent because we want them to come to us but sometimes someone outside of it can make a big difference. Abby I think did you say that you saw some questions that you were gonna ask?

Um yes okay I have one here that says I'd love to know whether my child's challenge and accepting responsibility for hurtful actions is something that's common with 2E kids and if so or can you just speak a little bit more about that that idea of accepting a responsibility. And I see another related one plus one for hurting people with words as a defense and then digging into the position as defense times ten. That was me and I wonder if I can say a tiny bit more about it, hi I'm so glad to be here, is that okay?

Yes so my what I notice about my child she's ten and is that if she makes a mistake or if somebody even speaks to her in a tone that is not even necessarily harsh but is firm or even just serious she takes it really really deep to heart. Or you know she makes a mistake and she's you know there's a there's a consequence or somebody has a has a response to that, you know if she's hurtful sometimes and you know a friend, Casey is your daughter what did your daughter? Autism, ADHD, dyslexia?

Oh she's only ever been diagnosed with sensory processing difference when she was really young. She's in a school for gifted learners, you know she's got like a photographic memory, you know I'm just sort of new to this 2E category and I'm trying to understand because my child's having some social issues at school. She has issues with her teachers, you know she gets really upset sometimes when you know when they set limits with her and it's as if she had this like deep deep shame that she's trying to manage or and I just you know I don't think it's a parenting thing you know.

So we have a couple of people, someone says my 17 year old is waving his hand as in me too for being very sensitive to tones or harsh limits. And I just I just put in the chat something about rejection sensitivity dysphoria but I don't I am not an expert I just play one on the internet so let's say are panelists. Yes I work with rejection sensitivity dysphoria a lot and I think it's it's pretty common among neurodivergent folks particularly kids with ADHD we'll see it a lot.

And I also saw the comment about bullying which I think is but I want to say about the bullying it can be really reparative to have kids just being accepting and so then again finding a group where your kid is you can have a reparative experience and recognize and not cast that wide net of bullying can be really valuable. But in rejection, working with rejection sensitivity dysphoria honoring what the person's experience is and then really helping them to again in an empathy building way what could be of the reasons that this this person may have said this. Now recognizing that if they're dealing with a bully or dealing with somebody that that could be a real right we don't want to just discount their feelings but if if they're when they're telling the story clearly the the the experience could be interpreted in a number of different ways helping them to because I think of rejection sensitivity dysphoria as being a fixed mindset and then moving more towards a growth mindset just in terms of how they're hearing other people when they're expressing discomfort or other experiences that then may feel like there it's a rejection.

I love you Tony anyone want to have the you guys want to have your last words because we're we're at 8:30. So I I think we were both kind of waiting for each other do you want to go next or would you like me to? Oh yeah I know I zoom makes it like zoom social skills are so hard it's like so hard no I'm all you Tony go ahead.

You know I was thinking about this is arming the child with information and helping them with perspective taking and so validating as Doug said validate what they're feeling validate what they go through and then be curious about what the other person is going through. And sometimes like when I was at a school I could know different people or know the different situation I could you know have you noticed that maybe that's the sound of their voice all the time right like or there might be something they were picking up that really wasn't that different but they were so sensitive to it they could get just something a little bit there. Or we could you know talk about well what if you know they had a really bad night's sleep last night and so they're a little more sensitive in their tone of voice and we would kind of brainstorm what could be all these other things and in that could also be like what if they really were frustrated with you and what does that mean and just try to get them thinking about it and being curious about not only themselves but the other person as well.

We kind of normalize that everybody is going through things and everybody feels things. Yeah totally agree I mean I think just that perspective taking is really important and I I think just building that over time in a in a compassionate way where people can feel like they're not kind of being pointed out of like these are your deficits like how did you not see this or like can you not see this but really just kind of asking. I think I I can think of many times where I've been working with kids and I just say how I feel like that really hurt my feelings and I think just like being very honest of like kind of hurt my feelings and and having that conversation just compassionately.

Thank you everyone since we are at 8:30 and I know there's more questions in the chat. You can always email Abby or yeah or me or Cali at Real2E.org and then we can get in touch with our experts to get you any answers that we missed. And this recording will be made available so you can watch it again and send it to friends and we thank you all so much for coming.

And thank you so much to our experts I learned so much I'm sure you all did too and it was a very encouraging conversation. I feel like I have things that I can go try now so thank you all so much. Thank you, thank you everyone, thank you.