Walking the 2e Parent Path

In the face of challenging behaviors, rising societal and educational expectations, and fear about an uncertain future, it is difficult to have constant reminders of the way our child doesn’t fit on the path everyone around us seems to be taking. It is difficult not to parent out of fear and we may push our children in a direction that is advised to us, rather than listening to our own inner voice and helping them find their own unique path. Dr. Tasha Oswald, licensed psychologist and founder/director of Open Doors Therapy, joined us to help us learn how to not only accept, but celebrate, the children we have; to frame our children’s behaviors in a new light of self protection; to explore ways to minimize our own inner critics; the importance of caring for ourselves; and the need to celebrate all that we do. Dr. Oswald left us with hope, peace, acceptance, empowerment and celebration—for ourselves and our children.

Read the transcript here

0:03 - Welcome and Introduction

Welcome everyone to the real Walking the Tui parent path talk with Dr Tasha Oswald thanks for joining us tonight. Everyone could please mute I know it doesn't do that by default so real is a non-profit we are located in Silicon Valley and we're helping Silicon Valley twice exceptional students Thrive by raising parent and educator awareness and understanding of strategies to address the Tui students need successfully we create and create resources and workshops and programs for educators and for parents we organize events such as this one and create online tools that you can share with your Educators and learn how to support your Tui children.

0:53 - Defining Twice Exceptional

Just in case you aren't familiar with twice exceptional it is children who have both High abilities and or potential and at the same time they also have complex challenges such as autism ADHD dyslexia anxiety and other challenges and they show up with both simultaneously and so you can't just serve them in the complex challenge side or just on the strength side they need support in both if you visit our website real2e.org you can get a lot of information organized by subject including recordings of previous events blog posts articles and other tools that you might find useful in various topics.

1:38 - Resources and Upcoming Events

Um because this is the close of the school year this is our final evening event you can find all the previous events that we recorded from earlier this school year at youtube.com real2e or from our website we do have one more event this summer a parent or bi-monthly parent support group on July 11th if you'd like to join our real Google group this is the URL you can also find it on our website it is local parents asking and answering each other's questions and supporting each other through resources you can also follow us on Facebook Twitter and again there's our YouTube as I mentioned before we do educator workshops so if you'd like to bring real to your school we've been doing recently a lot of learning different simulations where we help develop empathy for neurodivergent Learners and we also offer an introduction to 2E for teachers as well as a variety of other workshops just contact hello realtome.org to bring us to your school.

2:44 - About Real as a Non-Profit

Real became a non-profit last year we're very proud of that all the work we do here everything is offered for free thank you um so if you'd like to make a donation if you found this event helpful you can do so on our website we appreciate your support and I would like to now introduce Dr Tasha Oswald our speaker do you want to pin her while I introduce her Callie.

3:12 - Dr. Oswald's Background

Dr Oswald is a licensed psychologist and the founder and director of open doors therapy and neurodiversity school she has specialized training in developmental and Clinical Psychology and cognitive Neuroscience with over 15 years experience working with teens and adults on the autism spectrum she graduated with a PhD in Psychology from the University of Oregon and went on to work for five years at the UC Davis MIND Institute a world-renowned research and treatment center for neurodevelopmental Disabilities therefore she continues to specialize thereafter she continued to specialize in group therapy and other approaches for teens and adults on the autism spectrum thank you so much for joining us.

3:54 - Dr. Oswald Begins

Well thank you for having me it's a really it's a pleasure to be here and I also very much appreciate every parent in attendance I know how intense the month of May is for families and the fact that you found this time I really admire you being here and also I want to thank all the parents who will be listening later on um and making the time in your life to do that as well um so I'll go ahead and I'll start sharing my presentation okay.

4:42 - Topic Introduction: Presence

I am hoping that this will be a very interactive um topic and presentation so today we'll be discussing accessing presence as a parent and bringing the energy of your presence to your relationship with your child okay there it is I have the chat window open so I'm ready to go.

5:09 - Pressure: Facing Parents

Okay um so first I just really wanted to talk about pressure pressure because often when we think of uh presence right it is very different than the experience of pressure so um you know as a parent you face so many different pressures in your life right um there's the pressures of everyday functioning getting your family to function making your sure your child gets to school on time or gets their homework done right so all these daily pressures you also might have family pressures um different family members pressuring you on how you should be parenting especially it might be coming from family members who don't understand what it's like to parent a choice exceptional child in all the unique challenges that can go along with that in the strengths and understanding how to balance that right.

6:01 - Types of Parental Pressure

Then of course as a parent you experience child related pressures too um so your giant child may be going in a meltdown mode or they're pushing back or resisting your influence or your feedback and then of course I'm sure many of you experience School pressures right thinking about all of you Fearless parents going into the IEPs and working really hard to advocate for your child and the pressure or pushback you might get from the school system right and then many of you parents in addition to all the work you do for your child and caring for your home may also have a career outside of the home too where you're often filled with many different work related pressures like deadlines so this is a an everyday experience as a parent it's a Philly's intense pressures.

6:58 - Additional 2e Parent Pressures

And then as a twice exceptional parent so a parent who is parenting a child who's 2E you have additional pressures that you're experiencing or facing right um and I welcome you all if everyone just wants to take a moment and just kind of notice what pressures came to my mind when this slide appeared in front of you and you're welcome to put it in the chat window if you like and again this will be interactive so as I see comments appear in the chat window I'll be kind of sharing them aloud um but of course I won't share anyone's name.

7:44 - Chat Responses: Pressures

Yeah yes so a big pressure is to get your kids to succeed right to become independent um to be able to go off to college to do well in an academic setting at that you know higher education level I love this one some of a saint yes and that's actually a big topic of today right another parent I feel like I should be able to anticipate let me just hold on let me make my chat window bigger comments don't disappear too quickly hold on one second okay um I feel like I should be able to anticipate my child's needs and support them or to be able to absorb their emotions when they need me to right that's a lot of emotions you start to carry as a parent on behalf of your child to start carrying some other burden and internalizing that yourself yes the pressure to help your child perform at age expected levels in all faucets of their life another parenting pressure is to try to make your child happy right and again I just want everyone to take a moment and notice what comes up for you as you see some of these comments reflected back.

9:17 - Pressure to Be Perfect

Another pressure is to be a perfect parent right and I think also this one spoke to me which is the pressure to understand my child's emotional needs and how to meet them often as a parent you experience a lot of guilt or shame when you can't meet their needs or you really struggle with that right and I also loved this one um you should be all things to all people right this is very much like the experience or expectation of a saint or a superhero and then yes and I totally hear these um you should be you should do it all and do it all perfectly right I just think that's that's such a like amazing summation of what it is to be a parent in this day and age right and especially a parent to a twice exceptional child.

10:15 - Gratitude for Parent Sharing

And so I just want to thank everyone for sharing um and just kind of really being here in this moment together and I think we do a lot of these presentations and everyone's sitting in their houses watching on a screen and it can feel very disconnected but um I really appreciate everyone being here and as you've seen in the chat window putting yourself out there and seeing that other people um feel this way too right and we're all in this together.

10:47 - What This Talk Offers

So with all those pressures um and the the comments being shared I just really want to first off start by saying um I have a lot of respect for all of you and you know one of the things that can be really hard about this whole parenting experience is that often um you're told you need to do more right you should be doing this you should be doing that and sometimes it's really important to hear messages that are like you're enough you don't have to do more and that's one of the things that might come out in today's presentation right so um I hope you're able to kind of receive that as an alternative message and again today the focus is going to be on accessing your own presence as a parent and feeling like you don't have to do more you can show up differently.

11:36 - Introduction to Internal Family Systems

So today we'll be primarily discussing a model called internal family systems now people will abbreviate it IFS um and one of the things we've been doing with a lot of parents and families and teens and children is working from this model because it can be so powerful and so helpful in these different stages of life right where it's like we all know emotionally it can be really intense as a parent to parent a twice exceptional child and I think often we parent feel like we're failing as a parent because we can't regulate ourselves right so I'm getting so angry at my kid I'm so frustrated I'm feeling guilty I'm feeling like I'm overreacting to situations or I'm shutting down or going numb and just like I don't know what to do anymore I've given up.

12:36 - Seeking Calm as a Parent

So um what often happens is as a parent we want to be calm we want to be present for our kids um and then when we're not in that space we're really hard on ourselves about that right so sometimes it's like I just need to be calm um another thing I hear a lot from parents is like I really want to be able to connect with my child and I'm not able to or my child isn't connecting back um and sometimes that comes from us not showing up from a present State as a parent right but instead a more stressed state.

13:15 - Parental Reactions

And so we're also being really critical of our kids or we're being reactive and that's pushing them away versus pulling them towards us right and then of course we all want to feel more confident as a parent and sometimes we lose confidence because we're not showing up we get really triggered we overreact right or we say things we wish we could take back and so we start to as a parent like I'm not being the parent I want to be and that can be so hard um and then we want to be able to give that support to our kids right.

13:50 - The Best Therapeutic Tools

So here's the thing I know that you know I'm a therapist right I work with um individual families children doing a lot of work and I have a lot of different trainings right and therapeutic tools that I use with people and families but the best therapeutic tool you could ever offer your child um and for yourself is your own presence your own energy that you bring into relationship with your child and so because of that I'm actually going to spend a lot of our time together tonight really focusing on how you as a parent can access that and see what like how do you feel when you show up from that place right how do you act and what sort of things can you say to your child and how can you be when you're in that energetic space.

14:49 - What is Presence?

So first um what is presence right and what does internal family systems have to do with this so internal family systems is going to be the model we're talking through today that's really going to help you access your own presence so I'm not going to give you the full long didactic of what IFS is there's a lot of information out there a lot of amazing books if you want to learn more but I'm going to do the cliff note short version today so that we can get the Practical use of what this model offers parents.

15:26 - The Core Self

So IFS is going to say that you have a core self that is whole and that it is never damaged by life experiences and that you always have access to your Core self now sometimes it's easier to access than other times especially depending on how escalated a situation is right or what's going on in your life but what is what does that mean to have access to your Core self or to be in self.

15:57 - Qualities of Self

So there's specific qualities when you're showing up from yourself when you're in self right and sometimes they abbreviate this as the eight C's they also talk about the five P's right so I'll go through these really fast you can screenshot but I'll I'll also come back to them again later but when you're in yourself you show up from a place of calm compassion curiosity and Clarity you have courage you're confident you're creative you're connected right and then sometimes they also describe it as the five P's right so when you're in self you have a sense of perspective you have patience you're playful you have persistence and you're present so when you're in self you can show up embodying all of these qualities and that's a lot right as a parent so you're like wait a second so I'm supposed to embody all of these qualities all the time as a parent right and like that can feel like a lot but it's actually different than being a saint or a superhero right because these qualities are part of you they're already inside of you it's about getting access to these parts of you or this way of being.

17:13 - Losing Access to Self

So sometimes you can lose access to yourself and usually you lose access to your self when what IFS calls Parts step forward and take over right and we all have Parts we have um there's different Parts like worried Parts angry Parts sad Parts right we have Parts freeze um and again I'll get more into this in a minute but when you have a part step forward you might become really critical or you become reactive right and what's helpful when you're understanding parts is that there's reasons why these parts take over these parts have actually been very helpful and protective to you and I think often we see a behavior in ourselves as a parent we don't like it right and we kind of beat ourselves up for that um versus understanding it through a different lens which is like oh yeah I get why that happened and when that part took over it was trying to protect me or help me in some way and we should be grateful for that part.

18:17 - Understanding Protective Parts

But there might be more effective ways now as a parent for me to show up and it's really trusting that myself has actually different ways of handling situations that in the long run will actually be better for you and your child and your family versus some of the ways some of these protective parts are trying to help right so I'm going to give you an example um of this just so you can get a sense of what I'm talking about so IFS doesn't use the word emotions right so they don't say that oh you're angry or you're frustrated instead they say a part of you is angry or a part of you is frustrated right so it's almost like taking a step back when an intense emotion or reaction is occurring and you're realizing like a part of me feels this way but it's not all of me it's just a part and this can be really powerful so I'm going to give you an example.

19:13 - Example: School Refusal

So let's just say you're a parent right and you have a child who's twice exceptional and they're really struggling to get up in the morning and get to school so they're really resisting school refusal is occurring right and you know that your child has an IEP in place and they're getting served but again that can feel really hard as a parent and so maybe at first as you're waking your child up you're kind of like hey sweetie come on get up it's time to get up for school like we got to hurry we got to make sure you get to school on time right and your child's like no I'm not going I'm not going to school I'm going to stay in bed and so then maybe as a parent you start to ramp up and get escalated yourself and so you start to become forceful and maybe even kind of pushy and you try to like pull your child out of bed or like open the blinds and like we got to get going right and and then as a parent maybe you get scared and you're like what happens if my child doesn't go to school um and then you start to try to coach them more right you're like come on like you're strong you can do hard things you got this and they're like I can't do it and so you're at a loss right and again it can feel really hard um so let's just take that example.

20:36 - Parts Taking Over

And in that example you had all these different responses happening right and what IFS would say is like a part of you got scared right a part of you got frustrated another part of you was trying to motivate your child right all these different Parts took over and each of those parts had like a specific goal it was trying to reach right when you got forceful there might have been a part that was like I need to follow the rules right um and and another part that was like I gotta protect my child's future or they're not going to be able to get out into the world right I've got to like make sure this happens um so again there's all these parts and each one of them had a very good intention when they took over but likely when those parts are like showing up from those places it actually might push your child away versus bringing them in closer.

21:26 - If Self Was Present

So if you're in self with your child and they're like I'm not going to school versus those parts taking over maybe what would happen instead is you would sit down on the bed next to them and be like okay tell me more about what's going on like what's happening and as your child's telling you what's going on maybe you could ask some curious questions and learn more about what's making school hard for them right and then you'd be able to offer them support or Brainstorm with them Solutions based on what they share right um and so that can be an example of when you're in self you show up differently right and and as I said earlier your presence is the tool and that's what I mean is like when you show up and you're available and present with your child that in itself is a very valuable intervention.

22:22 - Parts vs. Self Responses

So what I was going to do here is kind of maybe offer you an example right so I want to everyone just kind of close your're eyes if that feels comfortable um and you don't have to close your eyes if you don't want to right you could look off into the distance if you prefer just not looking at a screen um and just kind of I want everyone to imagine what would happen if you yelled at your child right so just imagine the situation and the energy in the room and what might occur in your child.

22:59 - Visualization Exercise

So hold that for a moment and then let that go shake it off let that go and then now just imagine a situation where your child um has really hurt your feelings and you decide to shut down and like pull away from your child and give them the silent treatment just imagine for a moment um what that would be like what would be happening between you and your child okay and then let that go shake that off.

23:40 - Calm Presence Visualization

And then now I want you to imagine a moment where you and your child are sitting together and everything is calm everything is okay right so maybe in this situation you're sharing some cuddles or you're sitting outside and you're looking off into the distance or you're laughing you're playing a game together just have that memory or the sense of that okay and notice what you're feeling in your own body now notice how your child would be acting towards you notice the energy between the two of you.

24:30 - Noticing Differences

Okay and then you can open your eyes if they were closed or come back um and what I just want to say is like what you probably noticed if you're tuning in um is those first two examples right where you're yelling at your child or you shut down they're very different experiences than this last one and I gave you three examples but there's a lot more examples right of how a protective part might step forward and try to manage a situation versus when you're in self and you're feeling calm and connected and present with your child right um so again I just want you to think about from your own experience what was it like in your own body and how was your child being towards you right there's very different experiences because of your own presence.

25:19 - Benefits of Self-Led Parenting

So one of the things IFS would say is when you're self-led you're much more effective as a parent um you're able to come up with Solutions you're able to move through conflict more quickly but also when you're in self and you're self-led you're a role model for your child right so you're teaching your child how to be self-led as well and for twice exceptional children I know from my clinical work this can be so helpful right.

25:50 - Teaching Children About Parts

Um when you're working with twice exceptional individuals they get this framework so well they love this framework and it can be so powerful for them to realize like oh um okay so like a part of me is really stressed about the test next week but I can notice that right and when I notice it I can kind of take a step back I'm not as escalated by that concern right and I can start to reason with myself and be like okay so is this part right and how worried should I actually be right now like do I need to study more or is it kind of maybe overreacting right so they're starting to develop their own internal dialogue and awareness and that's going to be so key for them as they get older and start to develop more Independence right.

26:37 - Self as the Best Parent

So again what I'm really trying to say to all of you tonight right is that your self is the best parent you could ever offer your child right you're in self you're the parent you want to be in those moments right so this idea that self is the leader and all the parts can follow right so your different Parts can be present and they should be present you're a parent you're going to feel scared worried frustrated but if self is the leader then those parts aren't running the show as much right and you're able to show up from a different place.

27:16 - Knowing When Parts Take Over

And so what I think is really important is for you to get to know when a part steps forward and takes over right and usually when a part steps forward you lose some access to these qualities these eight C's and the five P's and instead of being in self you become something right so you might feel tense or contracted your vision might become narrow you might feel consumed by something or swept away by it right so just think about like when you're in that intense heated discussion with your child and you just you lose it and you react in a way that later you look back and you're like I wish I wouldn't have done that right you were blended or fused with a part and it took over and you became that part.

28:05 - Recognizing Your State

And so I'm just wondering um as you're here tonight right now noticing right now as you're sitting here how are you right now right um are you in self or is there a part or multiple Parts present with you right now and I'd love for everyone just to check in with yourself right now as you're here um and if you'd like to share in the chat window like what's present for you right now you're welcome to do so it's not required but just for you to have a sense of like where am I right now in this moment as a parent.

28:53 - Recognizing Self Energy

Yes thank you for sharing that right so curious about what I'm learning tonight right so that's one of the qualities curiosity so if you're feeling curious you're in self right a little nervous and worried right so there might be a part with you a nervous or worried part um feeling calm right so again calmness is one of the qualities when you're yourself and you guys are just sharing a lot of what I'm seeing is like people are kind of reporting I'm feeling a little more calm than I was earlier right so it feels like being here together tonight maybe everyone's able to access a little bit more of their own energy of self as a parent right which is lovely to hear.

29:36 - Allowing Parts to Be Present

And so now what I'm going to have everyone do is this um I'm going to go through three different parts and you're going to see if any of these parts are familiar to you right and these are just example parts there's lots of parts right that step forward when you're parenting um but these are probably the ones I see the most in clinic um and so as I'm describing these Parts um I just want everyone to just kind of give themselves permission for any of these parts to just be here with you right so like if you have a worried part right it's okay it can be here with you tonight it's okay I'm not asking anyone to change or get rid of any part I'm just asking for you to notice if these parts are around and allow them to be present okay.

30:30 - The Worried Part

So first we'll talk about the worried part so many of you mentioned you have a worried part right and so what does a worried part do so it tries to anticipate what could go wrong it's over preparing for worst case scenario um it's often generating a lot of what-ifs right so you're lying in bed at night and you're like what if this happens what if this happens what if my child isn't able to like go off to college what if right so the worried part is often doing a lot of what-ifs it's trying to control right and micromanage the situation it's it's trying to think for your child think ahead be prepared anticipate right and what happens when the worried part is really blended with you or taking over is that you might become very consumed by your worries you might even become paralyzed by them where you can't move forward and make decisions and take actions.

31:34 - Impact on Your Child

And what's really important to notice with a worried part or any protective part is not only how does this part impact you but how does it impact your child so when your worried part is really taking over you might become very overprotective of your child right you might try to control or micromanage them as well um you might give them too much advice or information right or you become too anxious for them um and so that's going to have an effect on your child right they're going to probably feel either consumed by your worries or worried themselves as well and then start acting worried right versus another child whose parent doesn't have a worried part so present might be like acting much more carefree and able to like explore the world right.

32:24 - What Worried Parts Fear

And so worried Parts they mean well right they're trying to protect you and your child right um and and they're afraid like if I let my guard down something bad will happen and I'll be to blame and so it's also very personal for this worried part if something goes wrong then they're to blame they didn't do a good enough job protecting you or your child right and so there's also a lot of burden that the worried part is carrying by itself.

32:56 - When Worried Parts Are Most Active

So I just want everyone here to think about um for you as a parent like when is the worried part most active or present and you're welcome to put it in the chat window or just notice for yourself when does this part tend to step forward.

33:20 - Chat Responses: Worried Part Triggers

Yes so thank you for sharing that so IEPs school issues School refusal yes yeah I can imagine when your child starts to struggle in school probably a worried part is going to step forward right um at night when my child struggles to sleep right yes and I also really love this one um when when my child is dysregulated right so when your child's having a meltdown probably a worried part steps forward right um another parent shared the worried part steps forward when my child is struggling with learning reading or writing right so I can imagine um with all of the complexities that 2E children often experience in school that a worried part is probably around a lot for many of you.

34:10 - Transition to the Critical Part

Okay so I'm going to switch to a different part um the critical part so the critical part um might be critical of your child it might be critical of the school it might be critical of your parenting or other family members parenting Styles right so the critical part often shows up to judge to criticize sometimes also to blame um this part is trying to push everyone to do better right or be better it's trying to correct it's trying to fix it might be very perfectionistic that's often what's underneath the criticism is like a desire for Perfection right and this part also tends to dwell on failure right like so it's not just like okay we failed once we learned our lesson now we're going to move on it's like oh my God we failed and this is a disaster and now I'm going to think about this failure from here on out because if I don't I might fail again right so it gets really fixated on it.

35:14 - Impact of the Critical Part

So this part again though as much as it sounds like this part is horrible right the critical part actually means so well um and so what it's trying to do is motivate right it's like if I criticize you enough you're going to be motivated to change or do better right um but the thing is right is like this part doesn't realize sometimes when it takes over it actually doesn't help your child perform better at all right so if you're being critical of your child it's probably going to make them feel deflated they're probably going to avoid you they're going to push away um and then of course it can make them critical of themselves right.

35:57 - Critical Part's Fear

And so what the critical part is really worried about is if everyone doesn't do better our child is never going to succeed or be independent right and so again very good intention from this part but it's trying to control a situation that honestly none of us can control right I can't control my child's future right now I can help guide them and be there for them right and connect them to communities they need right but I can't control that they're going to be independent and thriving in 10 years from now right.

36:34 - Recognizing Your Critical Part

So again just take a moment um and notice is there a critical part present and when does it step forward um and again these are two different Parts I've just described but they could work together so like a critical part in a worried part might work as a team right to try to motivate change and keep you safe right so just notice you might have multiple parts and that's normal.

37:04 - Chat Responses: Critical Part Triggers

Okay yes so a lot of you are sharing when your child doesn't follow through on something right um another parent shared when I feel my partner isn't being consistent yes um another parent shared when I observe my child making poor choices yes right um another parent shares my child misbehaves or acts aggressively right um when my child is struggling to regulate and they're in Conflict for other family members or friends yes right another parent just shared when I feel powerless right so sometimes the critical part steps forward when we're feeling out of control powerless and it's trying to create some power or control right because it's like if we can criticize maybe we'll get this under control right.

38:03 - Transition to the Shutdown Part

Okay so the last part I'm going to talk about is the shutdown part so the shutdown part shows up when things feel too intense too overwhelming you can't take it anymore right um and this part tries to numb you or to distract you or avoid right um and again there's good reasons for this part so I often say with the worried part in the critical part right these are parts that step forward and they're like let's engage this situation right we got to fix this we got to prepare we got to think our way through it right we got to anticipate the shutdown part's like I'm done right I've had enough right so the worried part in the critical part like work and work and work to try to resolve something and then the shutdown part's like okay like everyone out right we got to shut this down like we've had enough right.

39:02 - Signs of Shutdown Part

So the shutdown part when it takes over you might go numb you might feel defeated you might feel helpless a sense of hopelessness right often this part shows up and is like what's the point like I've tried I've done everything nothing's working right um this part might also be checked out right so maybe you're physically present with your child but you're not emotionally there with them right um this part might just want to disappear um this part might just be like running away from you or your child right so it's like nope we're done and this part wants to protect you from experiencing intense feelings if things get too intense so especially disappointment failure feelings of being inadequate feelings of hopelessness despair right this part wants to protect you from those intense emotions and so it often will step forward and try to numb or shut that down right.

40:10 - Shutdown Part With Your Child

And so when this part is really present um as a parent with your child you might not be engaging them as much or connecting them as much you might be kind of checked out right um or you might be numbing so like maybe you're watching a lot of Netflix or you're on social media more than you'd like to be because you're trying to avoid or numb out right um so just kind of giving that description to everyone think about is there a shutdown part present and when does it step forward.

40:46 - Chat Responses: Shutdown Part Triggers

Yes so someone just shared when I'm trying everything I can and my kid just won't engage right yes um another parent shared when things are really bad and it doesn't seem like they're going to get better yes um another parent shared when other people are nagging me about how to parent right um yes it can create kind of that shutdown feeling um another parent shared when they won't get up for school in the morning yes um another parents saying when I feel my child is in danger yes right um another parent shared when I keep putting in effort and my child doesn't acknowledge it or change yes right and so these are all really good examples of situations that trigger that shutdown response.

41:45 - Summary of Parts

Okay so so far I've just talked about three different parts right the worried part the critical part and the shutdown part and again there's lots of Parts but these three are probably the ones I see the most as a therapist working with parents um and so as we're noticing these parts there's this idea of like okay so how do I get these parts to step back right like how do I get my worried part or my critical part or my shutdown part to step back so that I can be in self and parent from myself right that's kind of like the magic question right is like how does this happen.

42:24 - Getting Parts to Step Back

And so here's the thing um it's not like logical right you can't just tell your parts to leave that doesn't work right um and I often work with clients who have been working in therapy for many years and they have tried lots of different therapeutic techniques to get these parts to go away and it hasn't worked right because these parts don't trust that they can leave right they're scared that if they leave something bad will happen right and so what we actually have to do is build a relationship with these parts first right so one of the core tenants of internal family systems is all parts are welcome right and when I say that like all parts are welcome we're really making space for the worried part the critical part the shutdown part as well as all the other Parts you have right.

43:18 - Building Relationship With Parts

And as we make space for these parts and get to know them and understand them these parts are going to start to trust your self that you can actually handle the situations without them taking over right um so these parts are going to start to trust your self and be able to relax and step back from their roles because you're building a relationship with them and they're trusting you more right so that's the core of what IFS is about and that's one of the most powerful aspects of IFS is that you're not asking parts to go away or change you're just getting to know them and understand them and as you do that they naturally relax right and the more they relax the more you can be in self right.

44:04 - How to Get to Know Parts

So how do we get to know these parts right and again we just kind of did a little bit of this tonight right um so you notice a part right and you allow it to be present with you and then you get curious about it so you want to know like when does it show up how old is it what does it look like what does it sound like what does it fear might happen if it wasn't around right what is it believing about the situation um so you're starting to build a relationship with this part and really get to know it right.

44:38 - Appreciating Parts

And then the other thing too that can be really powerful is to notice how this part is helping you right so there's a way this worried part or critical part or shutdown part has helped you and if you can start to appreciate this part thank this part for all the work it does right these parts are going to relax even more right and so what I was going to do right now for everyone um we're going to do a little exercise right now where I'm going to invite everyone to kind of go inside and spend time with your parts.

45:12 - Guided Meditation Introduction

So again you can close your eyes if you want um or you can just look off in the distance and not be staring at a screen what we're going to do right um and what I want to make sure everyone knows is I'm going to give you enough space right or enough time so that you can do this right so I'm not going to rush you through this I will pause and give you time to be with your parts and so as I'm guiding you through this um you know again if you need more time just pause the video if you're watching this later right and just take more time and do what you need to okay.

45:49 - Guided Meditation Begins

So I just want everyone to get in a comfortable position um and just kind of notice your body wherever you're sitting whether it's on a couch or a chair and just kind of allow yourself to settle into this seat and notice the weight of your body um in this position and just take some deep breaths and I just want everyone to imagine um that you are someplace that feels safe and comfortable for you so you might imagine you're outside on the beach or maybe you're at home in your living room or maybe you're in a special place that you used to go when you were a kid just someplace that feels safe to you and as you're kind of picturing this um and being in this place I just want you to take some more deep breaths and again notice your body and just settle into being here.

46:56 - Inviting Parts Forward

And now what I want you to do is just open up a space inside of you where you're willing to spend time with any parts that might want to come forward and be with you right now so you're just going to open up and just kind of allow for any parts to step forward if they'd like to and just notice what part or parts are present with you right now and again we're just going to allow them to be here it's okay they can be here with you there's nothing you have to change or fix or get rid of just notice.

47:51 - Noticing Parts

And now you can just kind of um turn your attention or your awareness towards these parts and just see if you can kind of get a felt sense of them like do they have a location in your body or around you right what do they look like how old are they what do they sound like just kind of start to like be with these parts and take some time and just be curious about them okay I'm going to give you a minute here so just kind of be with your parts spend time with them.

49:20 - Asking Parts Questions

And as you're with these parts I'd like you to ask your parts how are you trying to help me and just notice what comes back and again these parts might show you images they might speak to you they might give you a felt sense of how they're trying to help and again just take your time here and be with them.

50:22 - Continuing to Be With Parts

And as you're continuing to spend time with these parts I want you just to let them know that you're starting to understand them more that you're starting to get them and just see what happens as you're sharing this with them and I'd like you to ask them what are you afraid might happen if you weren't here to help me and protect me and just notice what comes back.

51:29 - Appreciating Parts

And I'd like you now to thank these parts for all the hard work they do I'd like you to let them know you appreciate them that you value what they're trying to do and that you're grateful for all the ways they're trying to help and protect you and just notice what happens as you're thanking them and appreciating them.

52:23 - Ending the Meditation

And I'm going to invite everyone now just to take some deep breaths and to slowly come back into the room and just kind of gently open your eyes if they were closed and again just notice what that was like for you what was your experience like.

52:53 - Debriefing the Exercise

So I'm just going to give everyone a moment here um if anyone would like to share like what parts were with you or what that experience was like you're welcome to share in the chat window there's no pressure to share right um but again I'm just kind of opening up the space for everyone to share if they'd like.

53:18 - Chat Responses: Parts Experience

Yes so some of you are sharing um you feel more relaxed thank you um another parent shared that they had a sense of warmth and compassion towards themselves yes um another parent shared I felt my worried part relax yes right um another parent shared I have a soft kindness towards my parts now right and I think that's a really powerful statement right because often when we have these protective Parts we're judging them we're critical of them right we're just like you need to go away you're too much right but here you're being soft and kind towards them right and that in itself is transformational um another parent just shared I'm noticing my parts are always trying to protect me yes right and I think that's one of the most important messages of the night is that no matter what these parts are doing they're trying to protect you right they mean well.

54:20 - More Responses

Um another parent shared I have a heavy-hearted compassion for my parts right um another parent said I feel my parts are really tired yes I imagine so right another parent said I felt my nervous part calm down it was interesting yes um another parent shared my chest felt tight yes so there might have been some tension or tightness there and maybe that was a part as well um another parent shared I noticed a part that's always trying to prove that I'm capable yes right because there's so much pressure you're under to like show people you're capable right you're a good enough parent you're doing a good job right.

55:12 - Importance of This Work

And so I just think it's so important um that you know that when we do this work of spending time with parts and appreciating them right thanking them getting to know them they do start to relax and what happens is you get more access to your self right and your self is a way of showing up for your child that's much more healing um much more connecting much more effective right.

55:41 - Continuing This Practice

And so what I would really encourage you all to do is you know keep doing work like this right so um you know taking time out of your day to sit with your parts to get to know them to spend time and thank them and appreciate them this is life-changing for parents right this will change the way you parent if you spend more time with yourself and getting to know your parts right.

56:04 - Living From Self

So the more time you spend with your parts like I was saying they'll relax they'll give you more space right to live from yourself and and so one of the things I think is really powerful is you know when you're in self right or you have access to yourself you embody the eight C's and five P's again right which were calmness compassion curiosity Clarity courage confidence creativity connectedness patience perspective playfulness persistence and presence right and that's a gift you're giving your child right.

56:45 - Recognizing When in Self

So I just think one of the things that I encourage parents to do is to notice when you're in self right so notice um what does it feel like when you're in self right you might feel kind of open light right you might feel warm you might feel awake alert aware right it might feel comfortable for you um so if you can start to notice like okay this is what it feels like when I'm in self right and then also notice when you're with your child and you're in self like what happens what what are you able to do what are you able to say right and I think if you start like collecting some of these experiences then you can call upon them more and more in your life right um and understand like okay how do I access myself how do I help myself be in self and what is that experience like for me.

57:38 - Self-Led Parenting Tools

And so now I'm going to go through some of the things that like myself energy brings to your relationship with your child right so these are some of the amazing things that when you're in self you can do this right and so first self-led parenting is all about attunement so when you're in self you're really attuned to your child's needs right you can read the situation you have that perspective right you can see what your child might be needing in this moment right you can read the social cues or the dynamics that are happening you're very present for your child right and you're attuned.

58:18 - Collaboration

It's also about collaboration so when you're in self you're collaborative with your child right you're problem solving together you're brainstorming together right you're connecting them to other people and resources that might be helpful um you're empowering your child right you're like okay like what do you need like how can I help right and so it becomes much more of an us a we right versus a me against you right so you're creating this collaboration when you're in self.

58:51 - Validation

You're also able to validate your child when you're in self right so no matter what your child is going through you can be like I hear you I get it I understand this is hard right you're able to validate what they're sharing with you and again when your child feels hurt and understood they're more likely to come to you and turn to you with their concerns right.

59:14 - Connection

This is also about connection right when you're in self you can connect with your child right you can slow down you can be present you can delight in your child be playful right have fun together laugh right and I think especially in our busy lives connection it's one of the things that goes right like we lose that right we're all so busy and we're running around and we're pressured and stressed and so really slowing down and being present and connecting with your child is so important right and again when you're in self you can do that.

59:51 - Naming and Empathy

This is also about naming and empathy so when you're in self you can name the emotional experience your child might be having right um and you can do it in such an empathic way that it helps them feel hurt and understood right so you might say something like you know sounds like you're feeling really sad right now right or you're frustrated right um so you're really helping them articulate the emotions they're experiencing and again it's this sort of calm way you're doing it where you're very present with them.

1:00:25 - Reflection

This is also about reflection right so when you're in self you're helping your child reflect on their experiences right so you might ask them questions like you know so I'm just curious like what do you make of this right or how do you think the other person was experiencing that interaction right so you're kind of reflecting with them right you're helping them gain some perspective on their experiences and become more self-aware right um and that is so important for our children especially twice exceptional children right to gain that self-awareness right.

1:01:00 - Teaching

And it's also about teaching right so when you're in self right and this is not a critical teaching or a teaching that's filled with pressure it's just like a calm way of explaining or describing right so you might be teaching them social cues or skills um you might be teaching them a concept or you might be guiding them through like how to solve a problem right um so there's a way that when you're in self you can teach and guide your child that isn't going to feel like it's too much right that's going to feel just right for your child.

1:01:32 - Setting Boundaries

This is also about boundaries so when you're in self you're able to set appropriate boundaries with your child right and so you know what your child needs and you can set a boundary and you're going to say it in a calm kind compassionate way right um and then your child is more likely to take in that boundary right versus if you set a boundary and you're really coming from a critical place or like an intense place your child might push back on the boundary because they're feeling that like intensity from you versus when you're in self and you're setting a boundary right you're much more calm and your child's going to be more receptive to it.

1:02:15 - Celebrating

This is also about celebrating so when you're in self um you really want to celebrate your child right and you delight in them right um you can also model being proud of yourself right so like I really like how I handled that right like I did a really good job right and you can like be proud of yourself and model that in front of your child right so when you're in self you can do all those things.

1:02:39 - Holding Space

And then lastly this is about holding space and I think this is one of the most important things and I think often what happens is as a parent we want to fix our kids right we want to take away their hurt their pain right and when you're in self you're able to hold space for your child which means you can be with your child in their pain their sadness their anger their frustration their confusion right without trying to fix them or take it away from them right you're just able to be there and and co-regulate with them right um and I think as your children get older and they're navigating more complex situations sometimes the best thing you can do as a parent is to just hold space for them right and witness them and be present with them right without trying to do anything right.

1:03:32 - What Self Brings

So again when you're in self you can do all those things I just listed right and again your presence is the tool right it's your own energy that you're bringing as a parent that really is the most important part of any intervention you could offer your child right so to me it's all about you developing your own self energy getting to know your parts and learning how to access yourself as a parent because that's going to help your child more than anything else right.

1:04:05 - Developing Self Energy

So the more you can develop your self energy um the better it's going to be for you as a parent it's also going to be better for your child and then also for your family and and so the question is like how do I um you know cultivate more self energy in my life so that it's easier to access right because again that's the goal right if you can access it more readily you're going to be parenting from yourself more often right.

1:04:33 - Tips for Accessing Self

So there's a couple of different things right um some of the things I was going to mention tonight first um is just really like noticing right so notice like what activities help you feel more grounded help you feel more regulated and more in self right so it might be things like um exercise yoga breathing taking a bath watching a funny show with your child right like there's all sorts of different things that help you get more in self and just noticing right like okay when I go for a run I'm actually feel more grounded and in self afterwards right great now you know that right so now you're like more equipped to like okay when I'm feeling escalated or out of self I can take a run and that will probably bring me back right.

1:05:24 - Visualization and Ritual

So also visualization and ritual can be really powerful and I gave an example at the very beginning of our time together tonight where if you're going into an IEP you might have an object that you hold and like you do a ritual around it right um so there's a there's ways you can incorporate this um into your daily life another one would be like um you know when I would drop my daughter off at preschool I would visualize like a golden thread connecting my heart to her heart and that I could still send her like love and presence through that thread right so you can like find ways to kind of connect um that feel good for you right.

1:06:05 - Guided Meditation

The other thing I would say too is you can do guided meditations where you're actually spending time connecting to yourself or doing parts work right so again sitting with your parts getting to know them spending time with them right you could also have someone guide you through a meditation where you're really visualizing connecting to that core true self inside of you and what that's like right.

1:06:30 - Time in Nature and Play

The other thing I'd say too is time in nature time and play and fun with friends or family like those are also times where you're in self right so like those sort of light carefree moments um and so the more you can like give yourself space to like be in those moments the better right like you don't always have to be working hard and doing right you can give yourself permission to relax and enjoy life and play right.

1:06:58 - Unplugging and Rest

The other thing I would say too um which can be really hard in this day and age is unplugging right so like giving yourself a break from all the screens um from all the pressures or from work or from family obligations and just like giving yourself a break and resting right giving your system a rest right because sometimes to be in self and access yourself you just need a break right it can be so intense all the time that you just need a break and so we got to make sure we're giving ourselves that.

1:07:28 - Therapy and Body Work

And then the last one I'll mention which is probably the most important is therapy or body work right so whether you're doing individual therapy or group therapy or you're working with someone who does like body work like somatic work right um all of that is going to help you have more access to yourself right and unburden parts right help them heal so that they don't have to work so hard right um so I think that can be really valuable for a lot of people.

1:07:59 - Importance of Support

And I think like what I would encourage you all to think about tonight right is you might have a lot of parts and those parts might be holding a lot of burdens and they might be working really hard and you might be really struggling to access yourself right and so if that's the case you might need additional support and guidance right and that's okay there's no shame in that right in fact I think it's wonderful when people reach out and like ask for more help right um so if if that's something that you're interested in connecting with me about you can absolutely reach out.

1:08:33 - Taking Care of Yourself

Um but I just think it's really important to acknowledge you're going to be a better parent to your child if you're taking care of yourself right and asking for the support you need and working on yourself like those things are so important right you're not being selfish when you work on yourself you're not being selfish when you say I need to go to therapy or I need to take a bath or like I need to go to yoga right like you're allowed to do those things you're allowed to make time and space for yourself right you deserve that right.

1:09:05 - Ending the Presentation

So that is the end of um kind of everything I had prepared for tonight um I know we only have about 15 minutes or so left um but I really wanted to open it up for questions or anything anyone would like to share um and I don't know Callie if you want to moderate questions or do you want me to just call on people I can call on people you go ahead.

1:09:33 - Q&A: Sibling Conflict

Okay I will do that so let me go back to the chat window and see if anyone has any questions or anything they'd like to share okay so I'm seeing a question here so how do I access myself when my children are in conflict with each other so I imagine you have more than one child and then there's a lot of like sibling conflict happening okay so first I would say that's really hard and really stressful right so you know having kids that are like in conflict with each other is really intense as a parent right um and so first I'd want to acknowledge that like that's really hard.

1:10:16 - Responding to Sibling Conflict

Um I think the other thing I'd want to say is like if you have one child who's struggling more or if you have a child who has really high support needs and then another child doesn't there might be different Parts triggered depending on which child um is involved right um and so I think it's really important to notice like okay so when my children are in conflict like what part of me is getting activated right now right so you want to start to like notice and understand what's getting triggered in you first right um because that's going to give you a lot of information and if you can notice it you can start to ask that part to give you some space right.

1:11:03 - Being Present During Conflict

So um but I think you know in the moment too right when your kids are really upset and escalated it can be really hard for you as a parent to not get escalated right but I think it's just about like breathing and noticing what's happening inside of you and trying to be present right and so often what I would say in a moment like that right when kids are really escalated is you want to slow everything down you want to pause you want to take a breath right and so you might even model that for your kids right you might be like okay everyone like we all just need to take a breath right now right like everyone's really upset right and then you can kind of help everyone like pause and then you can start to work through the situation from a more grounded place.

1:11:51 - Validating Both Children

And I also think you know with siblings right sometimes it's like one person feels like they're being favored over the other right and so I think it's really important to validate both of your children right because usually both of them are going to have something that they're sharing with you that's valid right and so like acknowledging that and reflecting that back to both of them I think it's really important right it sounds like you're really hurt it sounds like you're really angry right and so you're kind of naming what's happening for both of them and then trying to find a solution that honors both of them right.

1:12:29 - Repairing Later

Um and again if you're not able to do that in the moment right um you can always come back and repair later right so I think sometimes as a parent like we put so much pressure on ourselves to get it right in the moment and it's like you can always go back right you can always go back and repair right you could say something like I don't think I handled that well earlier I'd like to try it again right so I think giving yourself permission to repair can also be really helpful.

1:13:00 - Q&A: Part Stuck in Worst Case Scenario

Okay so I'm seeing another question um what do I do when a part is stuck in worst case scenario thinking uh even though that's not how things are presently okay so first I would say when a part's in worst case scenario thinking um it usually means it's a worried part right and it's really scared right and so the more scared it is the more extreme the worst case scenario is going to be right um and so I think first off there's getting to know that part and understanding like what is that part afraid of and why is it jumping to such extreme worst case scenario right like what's that about um and getting to know that part right and thanking it right but then also you can help that part gain some perspective right.

1:13:51 - Self Responding to Worried Part

So from yourself right you could say something to that part like I hear you I get it you're really scared um I'm going to take this seriously um and I'm going to make a plan I'm going to connect with my child I'm going to reach out to their teacher right I'm going to like solve this issue but I don't think we're at worst case scenario right now right so you're kind of helping that part see like okay so you're taking action you're being responsive you're not ignoring it but also we don't need to jump to the most extreme worst case scenario right now right so you're kind of helping that part like Gain that perspective and relax.

1:14:35 - Getting Help for Extreme Parts

Um the other thing I would say too right um when a part is really extreme right the more work you do with a therapist on these parts the more these parts will relax right and so sometimes if parts are really extreme it can be really helpful to work with a therapist um to help you get to know these parts and work with them because they might be holding more burdens than other Parts right.

1:15:03 - Q&A: Loneliness in 2e Children

Okay so I'm seeing another question here so it says I'm struggling with the fact that my child feels so lonely and isolated like I can see their strengths and how awesome they are but they don't see themselves that way and often our left out I don't know how to help them and it feels so painful to watch any advice okay so first I just want to say like I really feel for you because I can just like sense the heartache you're feeling and the pain you're feeling watching your child struggle right and I think that's one of the hardest parts of being a parent is watching your child struggle and suffer right and feeling powerless to help them right.

1:15:49 - Holding Space for Your Child

Um and so I think first I would say like you know you being present with your child and like holding space for them and just being there and listening and validating what they're going through is really important right so like I think sometimes we underestimate how powerful that is um and so I think first being present with them and hearing them and validating that like this is hard right um I think can be really important.

1:16:18 - Finding Community

Um I also think like I would be curious like is there something they love is there a topic they're passionate about and can you help them get connected to a community around that topic right because I do think sometimes when our kids can find their people and they find a group where they fit in it can be really transformative for them right um and so I think if there's an opportunity to find a group or connect them to a community I would take that.

1:16:31 - Identity Formation

Yeah and I do think this um kind of goes back to if there's an opportunity to find something your child does really love and help them connect to a community around that topic because right now like especially in late elementary school and middle school and high school there's a lot of identity formation happening and they're starting to create beliefs about themselves right and their identity right and that's when you start to hear your child savings like I don't fit in I'm different I'm weird right I'm a weirdo no one will ever like me and then it starts going into these extreme statements of I'll never it'll never happen right um and so the more you can find a community the better and it's not always easy it can be really hard to find a community that works for your child and I just want to acknowledge that it is not easy often um and just trying to cue into what that Community is.

1:17:21 - Individual Differences

The other thing I would say too depending on your child what they need might be different than what their peers need in terms of how much time they need to spend with peers or what they want to talk about um so I think that's also really important is like tuning into what it is that they're wanting at the age they're at.

1:17:49 - Existential Loneliness

And I do just also we really want to acknowledge it is really heartbreaking to see your child like suffering and struggling to make friends and someone just posted in the chat there's an existential loneliness that I think Tui kids and adults feel at a deeper level it is just sad and just is.

1:18:12 - Group Therapy

One thing I would say um I do a lot of group therapy and it can be really powerful for our two e individuals um because it's finally they're not alone anymore whatever we're talking about and again with our groups are specialized for Tui individuals so the topics we discuss they get they relate to right and so when they share something there's other people in the room that are saying me too right and that is life-changing it is transformational and and I work with a lot of adults who have a late life diagnosis so they've spent the last 30 40 years right feeling alien feeling different feeling like an outcast and so many of them are like this is the first time I've ever felt like I belong.

1:19:08 - Group Therapy Details

What age do you typically start those groups then um we do work with later high school for those groups some individuals in the community uh do work with younger children too so you know that's something to look into um and are those group therapy sessions in person or virtual right so um sorry I just saw that and read it out loud so um our sessions are virtual which is also one of the reasons why we aren't working with um younger teens or children because I do think sometimes they need a more stimulating environment um but um again it doesn't always have to be a Therapy Group it can be like my child loves horses and I want to get them connected with another group of peers that like horses too.

1:20:01 - Q&A: School Team Disconnect

We got quite a couple of questions in the RSVP about how do we handle the pressure or stress that comes when we're seeing our our child and what what and having concerns but either their teachers or their IEP team thinks they're just fine you know the child is coming home and we're either seeing them you know fall apart because they've been working so hard and just the stress of the day or the child says school is really hard or terrible but mm-hmm the school team just sees it so differently and I think too like how do we think about regulating our emotions when we have to have those conversations.

1:20:52 - Helping Children Advocate

Right okay so there's the part that you said at the end about as a parent regulating your own emotions with your child or you mean in the IEP section or session in the IEP like when we know we're getting into those stressful conversations like that's a big part of the journey is the conversations and those can be a whole other level of stress for parents yeah um I I think I'll start with the first question um I think it probably relates partially to the child's age but I think at any time you can help your child speak up for themselves and sometimes it's not like in a meeting because that can be very hard for for children even teens but I could be writing something it could be drawing something and sharing it with the group the IEP team right um again like social battery helping them speak up for what their social battery is like at the end of the school day or at the end of math which is really hard for them right and so it can be so helpful when there's something coming directly from the child that as a parent you're then kind of backing up right.

1:22:02 - Challenges of IEPs

Um and I just want to say admire all of you because IEPs can be so challenging schools can give you so much pushback it is often not an easy process um and so I just want to like acknowledge that that's a real challenge that you all face.

1:22:21 - Regulating During IEPs

Um in terms of like going into the IEP process or a meeting um it can be very dysregulating to be in those meetings right it can create rage it can become irate so angry at what the school is doing and of course we all love your children's while you're here today um and you fiercely love them and so Mama Bear probably bear is going to come out in those meetings right and that makes complete sense um and so what I would say is like some of the activities we'll do with parents are these sorts of visualizations to like prepare them and they also start to get to know those parts of themselves that are most likely to get really triggered or activated in those meetings and do some work with those specific Parts um so that they are able to stand in a more regulated State and still speak up and Advocate because we never want to hold a parent's voice back right.

1:23:20 - Bringing Support

And so that's why people often recommend bringing in someone with you it's very hard when it's your child to stay calm even if it's a friend um friend therapist anyone you haven't and speak up yeah I love that and I also think too if there's an object you can bring with you it might be something you hold in your pocket right and like before you go on the meeting you really endow it with properties right um You Might um you might do a sacred ritual around it right that connects to all the people that love your child right they might hold that too and they bring that energy to it it could be something simple like a rock it doesn't necessarily have to be this meaningful object but it carries meaning with it and when you're holding in your hand you feel the energy and strength of your tribe that was connected to it for instance or you've endowed it with your own right qualities too of like your eight C's and five P's that we covered going into a meeting and you're connecting back to your perspective your courage your confidence your clarity as a parent your compassion um so those are just some of the things you can do in advance to prepare for those meetings.

1:24:44 - Closing Remarks

Well this has been I think like a very calming and helpful session for everyone here that was able to make it tonight I know that I feel like in a new calm place myself and appreciate all the wisdom that you've brought to us tonight uh Dr Oswald and thank you for all of your service to our community and um helping our twice exceptional kids and their parents to travel on this travel on this journey together thank you thank you I appreciate that and I really appreciate and honor you and you know for all the hard work you do and pulling this group together thank you we're glad to do it it's our honor and pleasure I'm going to stop.