Strengthening Executive Functioning at Home

Having a kiddo with lagging executive function skills (regulating behavior, setting and achieving goals, and adapting to new situations) can make parents feel especially powerless and panicked. But we parents are uniquely well-positioned to help build executive functioning (EF) skills. We are there during the more unstructured times when our kid is not in school or organized activities, and home life involves a thousand tasks that require EF skills. In the face of increasing demands on parenting, it can be hard to try to fit in “one more thing”, but improved EF can help our kid become more independent and reduce stress on the whole family.

How to get your kid onboard

Say you are on board with helping your kid develop EF skills, what if your kid is not? Every kid likely has something they’d like to achieve, and those are great places to start:

• Reach the next level in a game

• Post a YouTube video

• Make a special treat

• Meet up with friends

• Go on an outing to favorite place

• Earn money for a purchase

How you approach your role as coach matters too. I try to come at it as “I am your executive assistant here to help you make your vision a reality” (who wouldn’t want one of those!) rather than “This is something you are bad at and I’m going to make you better at it”.

I am also a big fan of Ross Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model that creates a problem-solving, collaborative partnership between adults and kids, and that engages kids in solving the problems that affect their lives.

How to get started

Our kids have their individual smarts, so we need to help focus their smarts on acquiring EF skills, and greasing the wheels of the learning process. Find one problem they’d like to solve, and help them experiment to find what works for them:

• Recognizing and articulating the problem

• Brainstorm strategies together

• Prompt them to try their chosen strategies

• And most importantly, shine a light on outcomes so they can use that information to adjust as needed (e.g. celebrate a week of homework-before-screens resulting in no catch-up work on the weekend, notice that putting Post-Its in the folder did not work because the folder does not get opened until class time)

Alternatively, ask them what their goals are, be it pilot or ice cream truck driver (my kids’ picks), and tie EF skills to the needs of that goal.

Initially, check-ins may need to be frequent, but should only take a few minutes a couple of times a day - perhaps in the morning, right as they get home, and towards the end of the evening.

Strategies that have worked for us

Many EF programs fail because they are rigid and cannot flex to accommodate our kids’ rainforest minds, so I am not going to tell you this is how you/your kid should do it, but these practices have been life-changing for my kid:

• Electronic devices are our friends

  • Learning to use calendar apps and task/reminder/to-do apps in a way that works for their workflow

  • For older kids, an email management process

  • Set up accounts so you can view the content (e.g. shared logins or auto-forwarded emails), so you can provide timely scaffolding

• Physical reminders are our friends

  • Checklists for morning, after school, evening routines posted at highly visible places

  • Schedules posted on bulletin boards (we have those on bedroom doors as well as common area of house)

  • Checklist for homework, chores, sports/activities, going out the door–whatever you collaboratively chose as goals or problems to solve

  • Clocks in every room, clocks visible from every seat, clocks that chime every 15 minutes

• Modeling is our friend

  • I’ve cultivated the eccentric habit of speaking my thoughts out loud to teach EF skills in a non-threatening way. E.g. “Okay, I have to go to back-to-school night at 7, and you are not back from soccer until 6, what are we going to do about dinner?” My kid will often jump in with very helpful advice!

  • I make lots and lots of oopses all day long, these have been great opportunities to model flexibility and incremental improvement. E.g. “Oh shoot! I forgot to bring sunscreen! I’ll ask to borrow someone else’s, and make a note now so I remember to put a bottle in the car later so I never forget again.”

• Data is our friend

  • It’s not possible to evaluate how things are working without data to create a feedback loop, so look for easy ways to capture data (e.g. medication counter to log how often they are remembering to take their pills, step counter to see if planning to walk after dinner resulted in more steps, task tracker to see how many tasks got checked off)

  • Call their attention to the results of their efforts in a completely non-judgemental way, like a scientist checking the results of last night’s experiment

The book “Smart but Scattered” has a big collection of strategies organized by specific EF skills. Even if you don’t have time to read it cover-to-cover, flipping to the relevant chapter can give you lots of ideas.

My favorite find recently is this gold mine of ADHD pro-tips posted by folks with ADHD on Reddit.

Closing thoughts

Education experts have shown that learning happens in the zone between what learners can do on their own and what they cannot do–where they can do it with support and scaffolding. We need to let go of what our kids’ classmates/cousins/neighbors can do, and focus on where they are at. The corollary is to let them do it themselves once they can, even if it is easier and faster if we do it. Some say the goal of parenting is to work ourselves out of a job.