Why Telling Your 2e Kids What to Do Backfires (And What to Say Instead)

As parents, we’re full of knowledge, know-how, wisdom, and solutions, and when our kids are infants and toddlers, we respond in a compassionately curious way, trying to understand what they need or how to help them. As our kids get older, our expectations increase in line with their age but even more so with their verbal abilities: the higher their verbal abilities, the higher our expectations. 

When they aren’t meeting those expectations, we don’t naturally respond the way we did when they were toddlers. Instead we immediately move into our full of 

knowledge-wisdom-solutions-director mode: 

● You need to stop ….. 

● You should be ….. 

● Why aren’t you ….. 

● If you don’t ….. 

● You know you aren’t supposed to ….. 

Here’s the thing: behavior is communication no matter our age, and when our kids are not doing something they “should” know how to do, they are telling us something. To help, we need to stop directing them and get back to our compassionate curiosity infant and toddler parenting ways, even when our kids are older. It is critical for our relationship with our kids, for their sense of self, and for the skills they need to develop. 

The reality is, that our kids most likely already know these things, too, which is why they can’t stand it when we remind them of the “whats” and tell us to stop nagging them! Our kids have the knowledge and many times they even have the motivation (the internal desire to get it done). What they have a harder time with is taking action, especially on the things that aren’t as interesting, clear, novel, or easy for them. The bottom line is that our kids don’t have a KNOWLEDGE OR MOTIVATION GAP; they have an ACTIVATION GAP, and if we want to help, we have to stop directing and start getting curious! 

Historically parents and society have perceived inaction as a lack of motivation, laziness, or disrespect, but we now know, thanks to our increased knowledge of the brain and neuroscience, that there are multiple invisible neurophysiological reasons that people don’t take action: 

● Neurotransmitter and transmission differences 

● Asynchronous brain development 

● Interest-based versus importance-based nervous systems 

● Trauma 

● Lagging executive function skills 

● And more 

Taking action, or what I refer to as ACTIVATING, is especially challenging for our 2E kids (and adults, too!), and it is ESSENTIAL to understand our kids’ actions (or inaction) through this

neurophysiological lens of activation, especially when it seems like they “should” be able to do it. 

Why? 

Because if we continue to use a traditional, directive approach like the one described above, or other behavioral approaches such as behavior charts, rewards, or consequences, the only outcomes we can be certain of are these unwanted ones: 

● our relationship will become strained, 

● our kids will 

○ perceive us as nags, 

○ tune us out, 

○ become more disengaged, 

○ argumentative, 

○ defensive, 

○ ashamed, 

○ guilt-ridden, 

○ or shut down, and 

● The action will still not have been taken! 

In directing our kids or using a behavioral 

approach, we aren’t activating them to do 

things; rather, we are activating their 

fight-flight-freeze response and their internal belief that something is wrong with them; that they have a character flaw because they can’t do what they “should” be able to do. 

Our good intentions for helping our kids will only backfire when we stay in the role of director—telling, reminding, correcting, managing— and we also take away an opportunity to learn what they are thinking and experiencing while also building their awareness, problem-solving, and ultimately their responsibility, agency, confidence and activation! 

The solution lies in shifting to what we did naturally when our kids were little. Instead of being directive and telling our kids what to do (and when, where, why, and how), we respond as compassionately curious detectives, or as I also like to say, partners in problem-solving with our kids. Our kids have more knowledge and we need to help them uncover ways to use it in goal-directed ways. 

What our kids need most when they aren’t doing what needs to be done or they aren’t meeting expectations, is for someone to show up with them as a partner in problem-solving:

● to understand and validate their experience by  listening without reacting; 

● to reflect and discover with them 

○ what is making it hard; 

○ what obstacles are keeping them from taking  action; 

○ what factors may be at play 

● to clarify values, boundaries, and expectations in a calm, matter-of-fact manner 

● to brainstorm and co-create creative solutions and strategies that work with their brain and meet the need 

● to iterate on the process until a win-win solution 

and strategy is found that works for everyone 

In being compassionately curious partners in problem solving, we let go of fear, control, frustration, and our own perspectives and ways of doing things, and we lean in to learning with our child and about our child, just like we did when they were toddlers. In the process, we help our kids learn important skills that they will be able use throughout their lives: 

● self-reflection 

● self-awareness 

● self-acceptance 

● self-agency 

● self-determination 

● self-advocacy and how to use help, and 

● problem-solving 

Additionally, we strengthen our relationship by modeling and communicating in open, honest trusting, transparent, and authentic ways; laying the foundation for a trusted relationship that our kids can depend on and turn to when faced with inevitable challenges throughout life. 

The compassionately curious approach involves several steps: 

Step 1: Regulate our own emotions. To be compassionately curious, the first thing we have to do is get and be calm. (After we have finished problem solving with our child, we can then release our authentic emotions to a friend, a partner, or just on our own; we just don’t want our emotions to be targeted at our child or when we are trying to understand 

and problem-solve with our child). 

Step 2: Connect with our child. We approach our child and in a calm, curious tone, connect with them. We either make an observation or ask a question. Several communication techniques can be used for this approach:

The goal in this step is to connect in a way that minimizes our child’s emotional reactivity and provides an opportunity for our child to share with us what they are thinking about or doing in the moment. We want to start to understand their perspective before we start to talk about what they aren’t yet doing or our concerns. 

● Hey, what are you doing ? 

● What game are you playing? 

● What’s on your mind? 

Step 3: Validate and Explore. Once they have shared what is on their mind or what they are doing, we respond in a way that validates their experience and lets them know we have heard what they have said and maybe talks for a few sentences or two about what it is they are doing or thinking about, and then move into asking or noticing things about what they are not yet doing. 

• Oh, that seems like a fun game. Are you the character in white? (and continue for a bit until it makes sense to switch to something such as…..) 

• I notice you haven’t started cleaning your room. 

• When were you planning to start cleaning your room? 

• I’ve noticed you haven’t been able to get started on your homework at night, what’s up? 

• When would be a good time to talk about your goals for this school year? ○ I’ve noticed you’ve forgotten your water bottle for the past few days, what ideas do you have to help you remember it? Are you open to hearing my ideas? 

• What is on your “to-do” list today? When do you plan to do each of those things? 

• Would you be willing to show me what you are doing to keep track of your assignments, meetings, and other activities you have this year? 

• How much longer until that game ends so you can get started with your homework? 

• What might help you remember to brush your teeth at night? 

• I see it is 7:45. I wonder what we do at 7:45 every morning. 

• I see your clothes didn’t make it into the hamper. What might help you remember to put them there? 

• I know you are planning to go to the movies tonight. What time will you start your homework so you can finish it before you go? 

• I see you have your soccer cleats on. I wonder if there is anything else you will need for practice tonight. 

• It seems like it has been hard for you to remember to brush your teeth at night. Would you be open to my ideas to help or do you have ideas that would help you remember?

Step 4: Iterate on the process to develop a win-win. 

• So you think putting your toothpaste on your bedside table will help you remember to brush your teeth at night? Ok. When will you put it there? 

• So you will finish this game in 10 minutes. What time is it now? How will I know you have started homework at 6:30? What can I do if I notice that you haven’t gotten started and are still gaming? 

• What might make it easier for you to get started with cleaning your room?

• Sounds like you would like to get started on homework at 7. Unfortunately, we have to go pick up John from drama rehearsal at 7:15 so you will only have 15 minutes to do your homework. Right now it is 5:30. If we have to leave at 7:15, what time will you get started to ensure you have enough time to finish before we leave? 

Dr. Ross Greene’s Collaborative Proactive Solutions and the process of motivational interviewing known as OARS provide great language and processes for being compassionately curious. Also, Linda Murphy’s declarative language provides an alternative way of communicating with our kids that names and observes things rather than asking which can be another helpful tool in being a compassionately curious partner in problem solving. 

By approaching our kids with compassion and curiosity, we communicate to our kids that we value their voice, their experience, and we want to understand and learn together. We also can affirm their frustrations that sometimes things in life are frustrating, overwhelming, hard, tedious, boring, AND we can find ways to do them or ask about alternative options. 

So, the next time you notice that your child is gaming and not doing their homework (yet again) or you walk into their room and clothes and trash are everywhere, instead of starting to tell your child the importance of their homework or that they need to clean up their room, pause for a moment, put your detective hat on, and with a calm, compassionate and curious voice that you used when they were little, say, “Hey! Whatcha doin?” and see where it might lead.

Effective Communication Refrigerator Sheet (1).pdf

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OARS Motivational Interviewing Worksheet.pdf

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About the author:

Courtney Edman is the founder of 2tametheshamE, Inc., where she provides coaching, education, and advocacy for neurodivergent children, young adults, and their families. She helps parents and caregivers develop strategies, skills, and confidence to support twice-exceptional learners, and produces the See Me Podcast. Courtney also delivers trainings, webinars, and guest lectures on giftedness, twice-exceptionality, and neurodiversity-informed approaches to learning.