Video: Road to Resources for your Twice Exceptional (2e) Child

When you suspect your child needs help, or just received a diagnosis, knowing where to start can be confusing and overwhelming. Founders of Parent Resource Advisors, Carmen O’Shea and Lauren Meltzer, took us through a "Road to Resources" for your Twice Exceptional (2e) child of how to sort through the incredible array of available resources for neuro-assessments, OT, speech, academic support, gender diversity, and more. They walked through real life scenarios, including how to decide what to do first, what to do if you have time but no money or money but no time, and how to navigate private and public schools.

Transcript Below:

Welcome & Introduction

So again, welcome everyone tonight to this meeting of the REEL group.

For those of you who are new to our group, we are an advocacy group based here in Silicon Valley. We focus on building bridges between twice-exceptional students, parents, and their educators. We're always looking for ways for parents and educators to work more effectively together to support twice-exceptional learners.

I'm guessing since you're here, most of you probably know that twice-exceptional learners are kids who are both very bright, creative, or have high potential in a particular area—but also experience a learning difference or disability like autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, or dyscalculia. They often have a lot of anxiety because of the experiences they have in school and just feeling quite different from other kids.

We actually have two presentations coming up on Saturday. I'll put information about that in the chat for anyone who might be interested in joining. One is looking at neurodivergence through the female lens, and the second is our "Intro to the 2e Learner" presentation for parents. We'd love to see familiar faces there too, so please join us.

Then we'll be about ready to take a little bit of a break and start planning again for our fall speaker series. But keep an eye out for other events through the summer—we might host something or put out a survey that we'd like people to answer.

We are excited that you're here and hope that you will enjoy tonight. I will end the whole and hand this over to All to introduce our speakers. Just a reminder to please mute when you're not speaking and put any of your questions in the chat.

🟣 Poll Results

Here are the poll results: "Where are you on your journey to find resources?"Can everyone see those? Nope—let me share them.There you go.

It looks like we have a wide array of people in different parts of their journey

Meet the Speakers

We have two speakers tonight who are the co-founders of Parent Resource Advisors.

The first one is Carmen O'Shea. She is a former business executive now working to build leadership and engagement in a variety of purpose-driven organizations. She is the Head of Communications and Leadership Development at Synapse School in Menlo Park, where her kids currently attend.

She is a board member of the East Palo Alto YMCA, a community advisory board member for the Stanford Cancer Institute, and a consultant for the Trotter Collaborative for Social Justice at the Harvard Kennedy School. She is also a school liaison for the Children's Health Council (CHC) in Palo Alto and was co-chair of the school PTA last year—so she's very bored.

Carmen is a graduate of Harvard College with a major in Social Anthropology. She was an Air Force officer for seven years while starting her career in business. She loves to travel, learn languages, meet new people, music, and dance.

Lauren Meltzer has spent most of her career helping others understand why people think and act the way they do. After earning a Master's in Technology and Education from Harvard University, she spent over a decade working with children and parents as an educational designer and producer of educational software and websites.

She served for five years on the board of Performing Arts Workshop, one of the oldest performing arts nonprofits for youth. She also spent a decade as a producer and host for local public radio stations—KQED, KLAW, and KPFA. Simultaneously, she used interview and research skills to help consumer-based public and nonprofit companies gain consumer insights.

In 2016, Lauren took a midlife gap year while living in Malaysia with her family. She mentored a Pakistani refugee and wrote for an expat online publication. Once back in the States, she pivoted and studied coaching and energy leadership at the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching. She now specializes in life transitions and works with people who are embracing change.

In 2019, she co-founded Parent Resource Advisors to help parents who are learning to embrace the joys and challenges of having neurodiverse children.

Welcome Lauren and Carlos!

Speaker Remarks

Thank you so much, Cali. We really appreciate it. You guys are amazing—the resources you provide to parents and the communities here. We're both very honored to be speaking here tonight.

Just give me one second—I'm going to share my screen. Hopefully this will work. Good, everybody?

I thought maybe we would start with quick intros about our kids, since we are probably first and foremost moms above everything else—of 2e kids.

I have two pretty unique kiddos. My older child, who is 12, is a trans boy. That has been a really unique and interesting journey over the last five years with him. Born a female, he has been identifying as male for five years.

My younger, just-turned-11-year-old son is diagnosed with combined-type ADHD. They both test gifted, so I'm kind of in the middle of this "Oh my gosh, how do I handle all of this?" They probably both have manifested anxiety at different times too, for different reasons.

I just remember at the start of all of this—and it goes way back with my ADHD kiddo, probably to when he was five or six—I remember how overwhelming it felt. How tricky it was thinking about all the different resources. Where do I start? What do I do?

I kind of slogged my way through it. I have a bit of a research orientation anyway, and so it actually helped me to get down in the middle of everything, put together a plan of attack, and have things to focus on.

That’s one of the reasons why, when I met Lauren, we decided, "Hey, let's do this together."

Lauren, do you want to talk about your kid?

Lauren's Story

Sure! Before you do—Lauren, can we ask you to go into present mode so that your screen is just a little bigger? Some people aren't comfortable in present mode, so I don't want to pressure you into it.

No problem. Let's see... how do I do that? Over here... I see it up at the top. There we go.

Is that better?

Yes, much better. Now we can see the words. Thank you. Sorry, Lauren!

Oh no, no problem.

So yes, I have an almost-14-year-old—like, within a week she'll be 14. She is a 2e girl. She is gifted and yet has some challenges with this... well, a lot of "disses."

Her ADHD is probably her main thing, and then dysgraphia is probably second. It’s made her the kind of kid that, because of her strengths, sort of floats below the radar.

For me, having to spend most of her years knowing something was up for her—knowing she had challenges—but not really having teachers see it has been the thing that made parenting a 2e kid a little challenging in the early years.

Then finding the right resources for her—people that really got the 2e—so thank you so much, REEL, for doing what you're doing.

Lauren and I found each other when both of our kids were at Synapse. We realized that there were so many people having similar journeys to us. Wouldn't it be great if we could leverage our expertise from the parenting journeys we've had, along with our research backgrounds and love for helping parents, to start Parent Resource Advisors?

We're so excited to be able to share some tips with you today.

More Speaker Remarks

🟣 What We’ll Cover

Absolutely. And I think in the interest of time—and because we wanted to make sure there's broad relevance to folks on the line tonight—we're just going to give you a flavor for the kinds of things to think about when you're doing research and assessing resources on your own.

The caveat is that we're most well-versed with school-age kids, probably not as much with college-age and beyond. Although our kids are getting there little by little.

So we'll stick to general suggestions. But if anybody is interested down the line in collaborating with us, we're also very happy to personalize and work with you.

🟣 What We Heard

Okay Lauren, so it's interesting—when we started our business, these were the kinds of things we started to hear. I don't know if any of this resonates with you:

• "My son keeps complaining that he's really stupid, but we know he's not."

• "Homework is torture. I sit and wonder every day what will really get done."

• "Instead, she'd rather read a book—which she can do in a few days."

• "He doesn't have any friends, but the teachers think he's fine."

• "Something isn't right with her, but we just can't pinpoint what."

And then we would hear: "What should I do?"

Yeah. How do we help?

What we heard is that people are often not sure where to start—or even if they should start. A lot of times people maybe have an inkling that something's going on, but they're like, "Do I really get an assessment? Do I really need to go that far? How's the child going to feel about that?"

Sometimes people are also processing themselves. Both Lauren and I went through some really tricky times—and honestly, probably still do—about: Are we doing the right thing for our child? How do we process this?

This is a challenge. Both kinds of "e"s are challenges. And sometimes, honestly, you wish maybe the issues would go away. You're not sure who to trust.

🟣 Starting the Journey

We were doing it with our friend group a lot, and so we decided, “All right, let's give it a whirl.”

Indeed, there are many incredible resources out there. But when your child is 2e, the help they need can be more complex, fuzzy, or even masked by their strengths. This is what we saw.

So—where to start?

Where to Start

No matter how old your child is or what you think is going on, the first thing you really need to do is be a detective. You want to document and talk about what's happening—documenting the challenges, but also remembering the strengths and documenting those too.

Partner with those who are seeing your child in different kinds of environments, like teachers and pediatricians. But mostly, one thing that's super important is sticking with your gut. You really know your child, and this knowledge and intuition can sometimes supersede even what you hear from specialists.

Keeping some kind of journal—using a Word document, keeping notes and observations—can be super helpful when you're first beginning.

There are also a lot of online learning and support groups. If you can, keep them in mind with caution. It’s a great way to double-check with other parents going through similar things—whether your intuition is right and where to get ideas.

But the big next step, from what we see, is deciding how and where you're going to get some kind of more formal assessment. Whether it's a neuropsych exam or something that comes in a more piecemeal way from schools or centers.

🟣 Neuropsych Evaluation

Carmen: Yeah, so let's talk a little bit about the neuropsych evaluation, which you may or may not be familiar with. This is oftentimes a general nuts-and-bolts assessment done by a professional psychologist—usually in a team—to really look at what is going on with your child.

We'll get into what that is in a minute, but there are pros and cons to doing assessments. Based on some of the things we've seen and heard over the years, here's our take on it.

✅ Pros of Assessment

• If you undertake an assessment for your kiddo, you can often get the attention that you and your child need. Especially in bigger classes, their needs may be masked or not identified or recognized as such.

• You get a chance to work with experts who do this for hundreds of kids. A lot of times, this is their bread and butter—they assess and evaluate many kids all the time. They get really nuanced at understanding the challenges kids are facing and whether something is a diagnosis or not.

• They can answer lingering questions and provide clarity. A lot of parents come to us and say, “We just feel relieved. Now there's a diagnosis. We understand. We get it. We can go read about it. We can learn.” It may or may not normalize things a bit—for you, your family, your friends.

• It can open up the door to getting support. For example, insurance tends to be more likely to pay for therapy or social support groups if there is an official diagnosis.

• It’s often easier—Sharon probably knows this super well—to get services at school, particularly public schools, if there's a diagnosis. Evaluators can help advocate for accommodations your child might need.

⚠️ Cons of Assessment

• Private assessments can be quite costly. They run a wide gamut of costs.

• There are assessments done by public schools, which can be good in some cases. But regardless of whether you pay out of pocket or not, time is also a factor.

• It often takes a long time to get in with these folks, then a long time to get through the assessment, and even longer to receive the report—months in some cases. Meanwhile, you're waiting for the diagnosis and recommendations.

• Some parents feel concerned that having a diagnosis—a label—might stigmatize the child or family. In my case, with my younger son, we worried about him feeling victimized. We debated for a long time: Do we tell him he has ADHD or not? Clearly, the school needed to know, but it was a discussion around whether to explicitly get the diagnosis and then share it with our kiddo and broader network.

• Unfortunately, some private schools don’t want to accept kids who have challenges—or perceived challenges. They can pick and choose. So sometimes, if there's a diagnosis, people ask us, “Should I disclose this when applying to private schools?” I always lean toward transparency, but it’s something to consider.

• Finally, think about whether getting the diagnosis is absolutely necessary at this point. Sometimes, as parents, you may have a feeling there are challenges—social issues, hyperactivity, sensory issues. There are steps you can take without necessarily getting the full evaluation. These can be addressed in parallel or even later.

🟣 What the Assessment Looks Like

If you do go the route of the assessment, what does it look like?

It’s a multi-step process and generally consists of:

• A pretty extensive parent interview

• Child observation—at home, sometimes at school

• Child testing—usually IQ testing is part of that if it hasn’t already been done

• Questionnaires completed by parents and teachers

• A comprehensive written report with any applicable diagnoses

• A set of recommendations for next steps and potential providers

• A post-assessment discussion with parents to read out findings

There are definitely things to think through as part of that process—tips to prepare and ensure you have the most thorough and effective experience.

💰 Cost Considerations

• Costs can really run the gamut, especially for private assessments.

• Sometimes insurance will pay, sometimes they won’t. Sometimes you have to fight.

• Many places in the Bay Area don’t take insurance, so it becomes an out-of-network expense—only partially covered.

• Some providers, like the Children’s Health Council, offer sliding scale payment options for evaluations and even ongoing therapy.

⏳ Scheduling Considerations

• Scheduling can take a long time, especially at certain times of the year—end of summer, fall, back-to-school season.

• Watching your kid struggle in the first month or two of school can make it feel urgent, but these clinics tend to get really booked up.

🏥 Types of Providers

• Some professionals and clinics offer just evaluation services.

• Others—especially bigger organizations like the Children’s Health Council or Sutcliffe Pediatrics—offer both assessment and ongoing therapy.

• Think about whether you want a one-stop shop or prefer to do this in two different places.

🟣 Private vs. School-Based Assessments

Private pay generally tends to be a little bit more comprehensive and therapeutic-focused—like broad-scale—than school-based assessments.

That’s not to say school-based assessments can’t be very accurate and helpful. They can. But in my experience, the school is really trying to direct that experience and contextualize it to the school environment. That’s where the kid is showing up, and they’re working with them.

So it’s maybe sometimes a little bit less “soup to nuts” than some of the private assessments might be. But again, it totally depends—on the school, the provider, and the kid.

🟣 Real-Life Example

We want to try to sprinkle in some real-life situations—people we’ve worked with—to give you a little more color in terms of what we’re saying.

I wanted to share with you about a girl I met a few years back who was going to a public middle school. Her parents were noticing some emotional dysregulation. The dad was pretty convinced he was just seeing normal puberty—“She’s going to grow out of it. This is what it is.”

Mom had a different opinion. She was pretty sure something else was going on. They were a little concerned about whether to put money into this or not.

In the end, they first decided to go to the school, because they were able to get an evaluation through the school. While they didn’t think it was academically related, they were able to have her assessed from an emotional regulation perspective to see if she would qualify for a 504 or IEP.

The school came back with a diagnosis of ADHD. That seemed great—except some of her actions kept seeming like a little bit more. The mom had been reading articles and wasn’t sure she had the full story.

She ended up getting a neuropsych exam with a psychologist who knew a lot about girls. The final diagnosis was that there was some ADHD, but also some autism. That explained a ton.

It was super helpful to have that, even though both parents were concerned at first about the stigma and how their 12-year-old would take it. Autism is still kind of a loaded word, even though we’re learning so much about what it is and isn’t—and how it can actually be a very positive thing in a lot of ways, especially for girls.

They found that once they were armed with this information, it was super helpful in terms of getting her the right help and positioning it the right way. As she went through high school, she really started loving herself and grew with it.

I thought that was a really nice story—seeing how different kinds of assessment paved the way for her in this case.

Let me know when you're ready to share Part 3, and I’ll keep formatting it in this style!

What comes next

So here we are. Now you’re either post-assessment, or maybe you decided not to do one for the moment. The question is: What comes next?

A lot of things we hear—for example, in Lauren’s case—there may be more than one diagnosis. So if there’s more than one, where do you start? Do you try to tackle it all at once?

With twice-exceptional kids, as many of you know, sometimes the gifted part may come as a bit of a surprise—or maybe the extent of the giftedness comes as a surprise, or the way it’s manifesting.

Do you address that in addition to the challenges—the other “e”?

As I mentioned before, do you look at one place, or do you try to find the best-fit provider for every specific need the child has—based on chemistry, best fit, accessibility?

There’s definitely a trade-off between convenience versus precision—and really finding a fit for your child.

It also may depend on what’s a priority for you. For example, we’ve seen a lot of people place a priority on finding providers—either behaviorists or therapists—who are really good at advocating for the child and family with the school.

By that, I mean they’re willing to sit down and work on accommodations, help the school (if it’s public) understand: Is it a 504? Is it an IEP? If so, what are the specific things they’re going to do?

In some cases—like at one point, we had a behaviorist who would actually help coach the teacher on specific things that helped. At one point, when my kid was young, they even had a walkie-talkie kind of system going. Of course, the teacher has to be open to that—it depends on the teacher.

But if that’s a real priority, that might be what you want to focus on when looking for a provider or ongoing therapist.

🟣 Support Beyond Therapy

It’s also important to look at help beyond just therapy. A lot of times, support groups can be helpful—both for the children and definitely for the parents.

The whole concept of taking care of your own mental health needs—your own anxiety and stress in this process—cannot be stressed enough. It’s challenging. It’s difficult. And it’s difficult in the best of years—never mind a pandemic year.

So look at that. Look at online resources. Some people prefer local providers. Others say, “We’ve gotten used to Zoom—we just want the best-fit therapist, even if it’s virtual.”

Local or not is something to consider.

We’ve talked about this before—time of year, waiting lists. One way to get around this to some extent—and we’ve counseled clients to do this—is to parallel process.

If there are two or three therapists you think might be the right fit, reach out to them. Figure out their availability. Keep checking in.

If they say no or “not right now,” but their caseload may decrease in a couple months—put that on your calendar and check in with them. She who asks—or he who asks—is going to get responded to.

These are all things to consider when you’re ready to take action.

🟣 Giftedness

We’d like to shift gears and talk through some of the exceptionalities that may come up—and that some of your kids may be demonstrating. Just some things to think about or take away based on our own experience with our kids and clients.

The first one is giftedness.

All of you have 2e kids—clearly giftedness or being super bright is a given. Interestingly, giftedness sometimes shows up across multiple domains and across the board—but more often than not, it shows up asynchronously.

The child is super ahead of the curve in a particular area—like math or verbal reasoning, maybe processing speed or memory—and then falling behind in something else.

Interestingly, with a lot of our clients, what we’re finding—or what they tell us—is: “My kid actually tests average or even above average, but because the gap between the average and the crazy-out-here giftedness in another domain is so big, it actually feels like a deficit to my child—even though it’s not.”

That perception—and handling that perception—is something important to consider.

🟣 Leading with Strengths

It’s easy to jump to addressing the challenges. While that may be absolutely critical and important, it’s also important to focus on the strengths and lead with them.

If the kid does something amazingly well—that’s awesome. Let’s commend them for that. Let’s make them feel good.

Because a lot of times, self-esteem issues come into all of this.

I have an example of a client we worked with—a highly gifted boy, especially in math, struggling socially and behaviorally in a traditional private school. He ended up moving to a twice-exceptional school—the Burkhart School, which some people may be familiar with—and he thrived.

There are therapists on campus there. It allows his gifts to shine.

So there’s a lot to think through when addressing the giftedness question. The school question is a big one. It’s on a lot of parents’ minds.

To what extent do we need to change the environment to fit the kid versus working with the kid to fit the environment?

That’s definitely something to think about.

🟣 Honoring and Challenging Giftedness

When my kid is ahead of the pack in something, how do you honor that? How do you challenge them?

I don’t know about you guys, but a lot of times—especially with my ADHD kid—if he’s not challenged, if that side of him isn’t fed, it actually makes the ADHD worse. He just can’t focus. He gets bored more easily.

Whereas if he has something to attend to, and he’s having to focus and feels challenged—mentally and academically—it’s generally less of an issue.

🟣 Differentiation in Schools

Differentiation can look different, especially in different school environments.

• In some traditional private schools, you may get individual or group differentiation. You might see high, medium, and low groups—though they’re not called that. They’re usually color-coded or labeled as math groups, reading groups, etc.

• In non-traditional schools—like Synapse, where Lauren’s child and my kids go—the way they differentiate is by going deep. They don’t necessarily give the kid extra work. Instead, they say, “If you’ve already done this, show us how you can do it another way.” Go deeper. Explore.

They can do this in parallel with multiple kids because there are two teachers in a classroom with maybe 15 or 20 kids. That kind of differentiation might be possible in that setting.

There are also extensions—at any kind of school or in homeschooling. There are all sorts of ways to continue bringing knowledge and keeping the child engaged.

🟣 Public School Differentiation

In public schools, especially elementary, there’s not a whole lot of formal differentiation until middle school—particularly in math.

But it’s highly dependent on the teacher.

My fourth grader, who was in public school last year in Menlo Park, had a great teacher. She was able to finesse allowing him to go further. When she saw him getting squirmy and antsy, she’d have him come up and read something to the class.

She was differentiating both on the gifted part and preemptively on the challenges part.

So much of that goes back to your advocacy as a parent—and your partnership with specialists, experts, and therapists who can help advocate for you and with you.

🟣 Types of Giftedness

Giftedness can show up in different ways:

• A child might have brilliant verbal reasoning and the vocabulary of a 20-year-old. But if they’re a slower processor—even relative to their verbal abilities—it may not be a challenge in the classroom. They might need time to think through things and go deeper at home.

• My older child is a little bit of an inch deep and a mile wide. He processes extremely fast. He gets bored. He doesn’t want to go deep—he just wants to move on to the next thing.

We worked with his teacher to say, “When he finishes something, can you have three more things ready to give him?” Just keep him engaged.

He was coming home saying, “Mom, I’m bored. I already did that. I wrote the story. I even iterated on the story. Now I need something else.”

So keep in mind: the way giftedness shows up—and what domain it’s in—really makes a difference in terms of what you might want to do in the classroom or at home.

🟣 Giftedness Beyond Academics

Giftedness can show up in many domains outside of strictly intellectual ones:

• Kinesthetic

• Musical

• Emotional

There are children who are amazing in so many different spheres of their lives. We need to find ways to honor this—at home and at school.

The key is remembering that asynchronous development is normal. It’s okay.

Let them lead from their strengths.

I think Cali would agree—it’s pretty key, even if not in school, to get them around their intellectual peers. Whether it’s an after-school activity, an online class, or something else—so that in some context, they feel excited about things.

🟣 Social Challenges

The next area is social challenges.

I specifically don’t say ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) because one of the key points here is that social challenges are not automatically equivalent to ASD.

Sometimes they are—but they could also be a function of:

• ADHD (shows up differently)

• Personality (like introversion)

• Anxiety

• Processing speed (slow processors may not engage socially as productively)

You have to tease it out. This is sometimes where a neuro assessment can come in handy.

🟣 Social Skills Groups

There’s a wealth of information and choices in this area. Lots of providers offer social skills groups.

• Michelle Garcia Winner’s “Social Thinking” is a well-known framework.

• Another group we’ve worked with is Developmental Pathways for Kids in Redwood City. They focus on integrated play groups—pairing novice learners (kids with social challenges) with neurotypical learners in a facilitated way.

Other iterations involve multiple kids with social challenges facilitated together. It depends on what you’re looking for, what you want out of it, and the chemistry with the facilitator.

There are lots of good choices locally.

🟣 Individual Therapy and Parent Support

Individual therapy is also an option—especially for:

• Pragmatic speech deficits (difficulty using language appropriately in social situations)

• Perspective-taking

There are many online resources for both parents and children in this area.

Behavior therapy may also help—especially parent-directed therapy, where parents learn to engage with their children and reinforce what they’re learning with the therapist at home.

Examples:

• Facilitating a playdate

• Bringing in friends or family members to help

• Bringing in teachers for support

• Involving your therapist team at school

These are all strategies to support social development.

🟣 ADHD

This next area is near and dear to my heart: ADHD.

One big question we get from parents—almost the first thing out of their mouth—is:

“Should I give my kid medicine or not?”

If you’ve got the ADHD diagnosis, the follow-up is:

“When do I do it? What kind of medicine?”

It’s really important to consider working with a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists and pediatricians are the only ones who can prescribe ADHD medications.

Often, the psychiatrist is a different person than the ongoing therapist or psychologist. There are professionals who specialize in psychiatric medicine management for ADHD.

🟣 ADHD Medication Journey (Continued)

We tried four different kinds of medicines over about two years before we settled on his current one, which is a little kinder and gentler on him. He really felt like he was still himself—just able to focus better and regulate his feelings more effectively.

It takes a while to understand the nuances of ADHD medication. Honestly, we relied on our pediatrician probably for a little too long. The pediatrician is amazing in every other realm, but sometimes this takes nuance.

When we finally went to a psychiatrist, the first time we talked to him he said, “Whoa, you’ve tried medicines in that class? Okay, but there’s this whole other class—these other things to think about. You’ve only scratched the surface.”

We breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, we’re going to find the right one.” That’s something to really think about.

🟣 Executive Functioning and ADHD

There’s also CBT—Cognitive Behavioral Therapy—for ADHD. But in many cases, almost more important is the concept of executive function.

How does the child organize themselves across different realms—emotionally, academically, interpersonally?

Especially as middle school starts to hit, how do they handle all the different assignments, teachers, platforms like Schoology? It gets overwhelming—for any of us—but particularly for kids who are behind in executive functioning.

Many people say one of the main deficits of ADHD is executive function. Brain development is often a couple of years behind. Sometimes it catches up, sometimes it doesn’t. Some people have ADHD for life.

Thankfully, there are good workarounds and tools available:

• Executive function (EF) coaches

• Online resources

• Specialized schools (though most focus on autism or dyslexia—not ADHD specifically)

ADHD often includes a behavioral component, so you may need help from the school to manage behavior both at school and at home.

🟣 Public School Success

My younger child ended up in public school for several years—successfully—with scaffolding:

• A 504 plan

• Plenty of accommodations

• Texting and back-and-forth communication with the teacher

• I signed up to be room parent—it helped

Social challenges can look different with ADHD. Kids may:

• Put their foot in their mouth

• Overshare

• Get too close physically to friends

It’s important to find therapists and resources that address ADHD-specific challenges—whether social, executive function, or otherwise.

🟣 Gender Differences in ADHD

ADHD can show up differently in boys versus girls:

• The dreamy, inattentive girl

• The hyper, whirling-dervish boy

It’s not always that way, but it often shows up at least in part that way.

Mindfulness and other strategies may help. There’s a lot to consider when navigating this diagnosis.

🟣 Sensory Challenges

Another area many 2e kids deal with is sensory challenges. These can range from excitabilities to sensory processing disorder (a traffic jam in the brain), or just being highly sensitive.

In all these cases, different senses may be:

• Oversensitive or undersensitive

• Seekers or avoiders

There’s a lot you can do as a parent, and you can also get help from outside resources.

🟣 Occupational Therapy

Occupational therapists are the first line of defense. They help regulate and calm senses through:

• Activities

• Weighted, comfortable, secure areas

• Brushing

• Sensory integration

Children typically go once or twice a week and receive at-home activities to support regulation.

🟣 Support Groups and Environmental Adaptations

There are support groups for parents. Parent Place is a great resource for finding these groups and getting tips.

Environmental adaptations are also important. Sensitivities can cause anxiety.

For example, my daughter was really sensitive to wind on her face. We learned early on that we couldn’t just throw her on a bike ride and expect her to enjoy it. It wasn’t the biking—it was the wind.

Each child is different. Figuring out their triggers is super helpful for them and for you.

🟣 Products for Sensory Support

There are many products available online:

• Chewy items (instead of chewing clothes)

• Brushing tools (for calming the skin)

These can provide relief and reduce anxiety.

🟣 Mental Health Support

Mental health is often comorbid with other challenges in 2e kids. The good news is: there are many ways to get help.

• School therapists

• Organizations like CHC (Children’s Health Council)

• Individual therapists

• One-on-one and group supports (especially helpful for teens)

Parenting support is also important as part of the therapy process.

🟣 Therapy Access and Stigma

Some people shy away from therapy for two reasons:

1. Stigma

2. Cost

In the Bay Area, therapy can be expensive. But there are sliding scale options—CHC offers them, and many therapists do too. Just ask.

As for stigma—that’s an outdated view. Therapy is now seen as just as important as going to the doctor for a skinned knee.

🟣 Finding the Right Therapist

Finding the right therapist is key. Most therapists offer a free 15-minute interview to see if there’s a good fit.

🧠 Finding the Right Therapist for Twice-Exceptional (2e) Kids

• We encourage clients to take advantage of free 15-minute interviews with therapists.

• Don’t settle for the first recommendation—chemistry and fit matter deeply.

• Some therapists truly understand 2e kids and can see your child in ways others can’t.

• Interview therapists to ensure they’ve worked with twice-exceptional children. This can save time, frustration, and prevent misdiagnoses.

• For example, behaviors in 2e kids might be misread as OCD when they’re actually traits of autism.

🔁 It’s common to switch therapists. Go in knowing that the first match might not be the right one—and that’s okay.

📚 Learning Differences: School and Support Strategies

🏫 School Choice

• There are many types of learning differences, and support can come from different angles.

• Specialized schools like Armstrong School or Athena Academy (which also supports 2e kids) focus on language-based differences like dyslexia.

• You don’t need to attend a specialized school to get support—many schools offer accommodations.

Public vs. Private Schools

Type	Support Options
Public	504 Plans and IEPs for accommodations
Private	Must research ahead: Do they have learning therapists? How robust is their support?

• Some private schools assume that if your child needs more than basic accommodations, they shouldn’t be there.

• Be transparent during the application process. If a school rejects your child for their learning difference, it’s likely not the right fit.

💡 Feeling understood makes a huge difference. Kids need to know that learning differently doesn’t mean they’re not smart.

🧑‍🏫 Inclusive Accommodations Example

• At Keys School, accommodations were offered to all students—not just those pulled out of class.

• Therapists worked with groups, creating a gentle, inclusive environment.

• Kids with learning differences received support without being singled out.

📖 Academic Support Outside of School

• Educational specialists are tutors who understand learning differences and tailor their teaching accordingly.

• They help kids grasp concepts in ways that match their learning style—unlike general tutors who may not be equipped for this.

🔍 Do your research. Don’t rely solely on recommendations—make sure the tutor understands how your child learns.

Personal Example

• We had mixed experiences with math tutors for our daughter, who has ADHD and dysgraphia.

• Some tutors didn’t understand how to teach a child with those challenges.

• Tons of written work doesn’t help when writing is hard and focus is limited.

• What worked: a tutor who helped her translate her mental processing into structured writing—something most kids wouldn’t need.

🧠 Emotional Impact of Learning Differences

• Anxiety and low self-esteem often accompany learning differences.

• Early support can make a big difference—especially in managing anxiety.

• Kids are not their diagnosis. They have challenges, but also strengths.

• Support should address both their needs and their gifts.

🌈 Gender Nonconformity: Supporting the Journey

• Gender is a spectrum, and today’s generation understands that fluidity.

• There’s a difference between:

• Sex assigned at birth

• Gender identity

• Gender expression (how they dress, act, show up)

• Sexual orientation

These are distinct and should be honored individually.

💔 Mental Health Risks

• Gender nonconforming kids face higher rates of:

• Mental health challenges

• Distress

• Suicidal ideation

👂 Listening and showing up with support is crucial.

• When kids have nuclear family support, their mental health outcomes are normal.

• Lack of support—or rejection—leads to increased risk.

🧭 Navigating the Journey

• You can’t blindly agree to everything your child wants in the moment—it’s a journey that unfolds over time.

• Therapists look for signs of:

• Persistence

• Insistence

• Consistency

If your child shows these traits—especially as they grow older—it’s a strong indicator of a true identity.

• It’s not easy to be different, and kids understand that even at ages 10, 12, 14, or 16.

• If they’re consistent and insistent, there’s something real happening—and they need support.

⚖️ Legal and Medical Considerations

• Social transitioning may involve:

  • Name and pronoun changes

  • Gender marker updates

• Medical interventions may begin at puberty:

• Puberty blockers

• Cross-sex hormones

• Gender-affirming surgeries

These decisions are complex and should be approached thoughtfully, with professional guidance and family support.

🌈 Supporting Gender Identity

The identity that a child feels is authentically theirs can vary widely.

• Some kids want to change a lot.

• Others don’t need to change anything—they’re just happy to show up and identify as they are.

It’s important not to presume or lead them too much. Instead, take their lead at every step and simply be there.

💬 The Parent Journey

Having personally gone through this, I can say: parents and loved ones really have to work through their own process.

• It’s not easy.

• There’s often a sense of loss or grief.

• There are persistent questions—especially with younger children—about whether to share their identity and what the consequences might be.

For example:

• If you haven’t shared it and someone finds out in an untoward way, it can be shocking.

• On the other hand, some kids may not be able to be stealth. They may not have a choice depending on whether they’ve decided to live as a different identity in the same school or community.

These are important considerations if your child is exhibiting signs or expressing discomfort in their own skin.

❓ Important Questions to Consider

As we wrap up, here are some key reflections:

• This is a process—for you, your child, and everyone around you.

• Get the help you need as a parent.

• Adapt as your child evolves. Their needs may change month to month or year to year.

🧪 Evaluations and School Support

• Schools may ask for updated evaluations every three years to refresh accommodations.

• Some schools, like Nueva, require specific tests (e.g., IQ tests) as part of the admissions process.

There are many resources available:

• Teachers and school staff

• Individual therapists and evaluators

• Online support groups and parent communities

Examples include:

• The Dalmana group

• Private gender-oriented Facebook groups for local families

🎯 Prioritizing Support

Ask yourself:

• What do I want to prioritize?

• What will have the most impact for my child?

You don’t have to do everything at once.

• It’s okay to be sequential.

• It’s okay to work in parallel if that suits you better.

Be open and flexible as your child’s journey unfolds. Be there with them. Help them discover and support their identity.

🧠 How You Learn Best

Think about how you best absorb information:

• Some people want to read everything online (that was me).

• Others prefer hand-holding or direct advice.

• Some want their doctor to say, “Here’s what you need to do.”

Just reflect on how you learn best—and use that to guide how you support your child.

🤝 Final Thoughts and Q&A

We’re happy to take questions.

Just a reminder: neither Lauren nor I are medical or psychological professionals. We’re parents who have spent a lot of time, effort, and emotion navigating this journey for our own children.

We care deeply about sharing what we’ve learned and helping others.

We’re not here to diagnose or prescribe. We’re here to offer:

• Thoughts

• Coaching

• Resource ideas

🧭 What Parent Resource Advisors Do

Lauren: What we do is meet with parents—usually those at the beginning of their journey or at a crossroads.

• Some have a diagnosis, some don’t.

• We listen to what’s going on with their child and family.

• We consider how they best take in information.

Then we create a curated resource list tailored to their child’s needs.

We work with families:

• In coaching relationships

• As things come up in their journey

We offer different packages:

• One-off sessions

• Multi-month support until the child is settled

Carmen: We’re flexible. Some families don’t have a lot to spend—and that’s okay.

• We’re not trying to break anyone’s bank.

• If you just want an hour or two to get started, we can help with:

• Top three action steps

• Therapist recommendations

• Domain-specific ideas

Lauren is a certified coach and can offer ongoing coaching if desired.

💸 Free and Low-Cost Resources

Q: What if you don’t have time or money?

A: Great question. Here are some ideas:

📨 Join the REEL Email Group

• You can ask questions and get directed to resources.

• It’s a great way to connect with other parents.

We’ll post the link in the chat.

👥 Parent Support Groups

• There’s a free group for parents of neurodivergent older teens and young adults.

• We’ll share that link too.

🌐 Online Resources

• Understood.org: Excellent for parenting tips and podcasts.

• Tilt Parenting: Hundreds of podcasts and a supportive community.

• Bright & Quirky: Low-cost membership (~$40/month) or free access options.

🏥 CHC (Children’s Health Council)

• Offers free caregiver support groups for:

• Sensory processing

• ADHD

• Social skills

• Mental health

These groups are led by parents and provide a space to connect and learn.

Let me know if you’d like this entire transcript turned into a downloadable guide, blog series, or educator toolkit. I can also help you build a resource dashboard or visual map based on these themes!

Final Thoughts and Extensive Q&A

We’re happy to take questions.

Just a reminder: neither Lauren nor I are medical or psychological professionals. We’re parents who have spent a lot of time, effort, and emotion navigating this journey for our own children.

We care deeply about sharing what we’ve learned and helping others.

We’re not here to diagnose or prescribe. We’re here to offer:

• Thoughts

• Coaching

• Resource ideas

🧭 What Parent Resource Advisors Do

Lauren: What we do is meet with parents—usually those at the beginning of their journey or at a crossroads.

• Some have a diagnosis, some don’t.

• We listen to what’s going on with their child and family.

• We consider how they best take in information.

Then we create a curated resource list tailored to their child’s needs.

We work with families:

• In coaching relationships

• As things come up in their journey

We offer different packages:

• One-off sessions

• Multi-month support until the child is settled

Carmen: We’re flexible. Some families don’t have a lot to spend—and that’s okay.

• We’re not trying to break anyone’s bank.

• If you just want an hour or two to get started, we can help with:

• Top three action steps

• Therapist recommendations

• Domain-specific ideas

Lauren is a certified coach and can offer ongoing coaching if desired.

💸 Free and Low-Cost Resources

Q: What if you don’t have time or money?

A: Great question. Here are some ideas:

📨 Join the REEL Email Group

• You can ask questions and get directed to resources.

• It’s a great way to connect with other parents.

We’ll post the link in the chat.

👥 Parent Support Groups

• There’s a free group for parents of neurodivergent older teens and young adults.

• We’ll share that link too.

🌐 Online Resources

• Understood.org: Excellent for parenting tips and podcasts.

• Tilt Parenting: Hundreds of podcasts and a supportive community.

• Bright & Quirky: Low-cost membership (~$40/month) or free access options.

🏥 CHC (Children’s Health Council)

• Offers free caregiver support groups for:

• Sensory processing

• ADHD

• Social skills

• Mental health

These groups are led by parents and provide a space to connect and learn.

🧠 Self-Education and Domain-Specific Resources

There are many great resources available for self-education.

• If there's a particular domain you're interested in, look for organizations affiliated with that topic.

• You can do a lot of this research on your own.

🧩 Twice-Exceptional Kids and Missed Diagnoses

Anne asked a question about twice-exceptional kids—particularly those with dyslexia or dysgraphia.

• These kids often fall into a gap.

• Their gifts can mask their challenges, and vice versa.

• They may not qualify for gifted programs or special education, even though they need both.

Anne’s child, now in college, experienced this. She mentioned IDA (International Dyslexia Association) as a helpful resource, especially for understanding the strengths of dyslexia.

🧭 Resources for Older Students

While not our area of expertise, here are some suggestions:

• Summit Center: Known for identifying “stealth dyslexia.”

• Dr. Marcy Schwartz: Offers Thrive College Counseling for students with learning differences.

• Schwab Learning Center at Stanford: Supports students with dyslexia and ADHD on campus.

🧪 Why Assessments Matter

A good assessment is essential—especially before junior year of high school.

• It helps you understand how your child’s brain functions.

• It identifies strengths and needs.

• It guides you toward colleges that offer the right support.

Every college has a Disability Resource Center:

• With an official diagnosis, students can receive accommodations.

• Navigating college with support is key to success.

There are also coaches, educational therapists, and psychologists who can help.

💡 Acceptance and Joy in Learning

Assessment leads to:

• Acceptance—by both the child and the parents.

• Accommodations that support success (however you define it).

One speaker from the Stanford Neurodiversity Project shared:

• He’s dyslexic and now publishes comic books.

• He started turning assignments into comic books and learned much more.

• His grades improved once he leaned into what brought him joy.

💖 Reassurance for Parents

It’s easy to beat yourself up when you discover learning differences late.

• Don’t blame yourself.

• Schools often miss these signs too.

• Be kind to yourself—self-care is essential.

🏫 Private Schools and Multiple Challenges

Q: Do traditional private schools shy away from kids with multiple challenges (e.g., ADHD and SPD)?

A: It depends.

• On the child

• On the extent of the challenge

• On how much it shows up in the classroom

• On the teacher’s capacity and the specific year

Some schools are more open to twice-exceptional (2e) students:

School Name	Notes
Helios	Known for supporting 2e students
Burkhart School	Founded with understanding of giftedness and challenges
Tessellations	Often open to kids with asynchronous development
Synapse	Originally a 2e school; now has a literacy center and outsourced assessments

Traditional schools may screen for challenges during admissions. Even if a child is academically qualified, they may not be admitted due to behavioral or support concerns.

🤝 Teamwork with Schools

If you expect the school to solve everything, you’ll likely be disappointed.

• Approach it as a team effort.

• Be transparent about your child’s needs.

• Share what support systems you already have in place (e.g., medication, therapy, behaviorist).

Schools may be more open if they see you’re proactive and collaborative.

🏫 High School Options in the Peninsula

For those looking at high schools:

• Menlo School: Offers support for ADHD and dyslexia; academically rigorous.

• Kehillah Jewish High School and Mid-Peninsula High School: Focused on supporting students with learning differences.

🧠 Finding the Right Assessors for 2e Kids

Christina asked about assessors who specialize in identifying twice-exceptional (2e) kids and explaining their challenges in depth.

• Her child completed an Independent Educational Evaluation (IEE) but still lacks clarity.

• The writing test couldn’t be completed due to avoidance, and there are concerns about executive functioning and auditory processing.

🧪 Types of Assessments

• Psycho-educational assessments: Often used in school settings.

• Neuropsychological assessments: More holistic, covering brain-based challenges, giftedness, sensory issues, and formal diagnoses.

🏥 Recommended Evaluation Centers

Here are some trusted centers in the Bay Area:

Center Name	Location	Notes
Children's Health Council	Palo Alto	Offers sliding scale; free consultations available
Morrissey-Compton	Palo Alto	Educational services and ongoing support
Abby Neuropsychology	Palo Alto	Known for comprehensive evaluations
Sutcliffe Clinic	Los Altos	Higher cost; thorough assessments
Summit Center	Multiple sites	Specializes in twice-exceptional children

There are also many individual psychologists who offer tailored assessments depending on your location and goals.

🧏 Auditory Processing & Executive Functioning

• Auditory Processing: Can be assessed by audiologists or speech therapists.

  • A common test is TAPS-4 (Test of Auditory Processing Skills).

• Executive Functioning: Neuropsychs or educational therapists can guide which tools are appropriate.

Start with a consultation to determine which tests are needed—no child should go through every test. The right professional will choose tools based on your specific questions and concerns.

🧾 Insurance and Funding Questions

• Diagnoses like autism or ADHD may be covered by insurance.

• Twice-exceptionality (2e) is not a medical diagnosis (not in DSM-5), so it’s not covered directly.

• Some evaluators understand 2e well, even if it’s not formally recognized.

💰 Public Funding Options

• Questions were raised about using CalABLE or other public funds for evaluations and services.

• This is an emerging area, and the group acknowledged a need to learn more and possibly present on it in the future.

💬 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

• Word of mouth is powerful—ask other parents and professionals for recommendations.

• Not all reports are created equal. Talk to evaluators about their process and what they’ll share with you.

• Try a few people out and see who feels like the right fit.

📬 Contact and Support

Carmen and Lauren offered to share their emails in the chat so parents can:

• Reach out with specific questions

• Get curated resource lists

• Receive coaching or hand-holding through the process

🏫 Final Resource Mention

There was a mention of a new high school in San Francisco for neurodivergent learners, referenced by Dr. Melanie Hayes in a previous event. The name couldn’t be found during the session, but it will be followed up on.