Speaking Their Language: How Strengths-Based Communication Builds Trust, Confidence, and Connection
- REEL Team
- 4 hours ago
- 6 min read
See the Transcript here
Introduction and Opening Remarks
Surbhi: Good afternoon, everyone. We are going to start the talk, and there will be more people who come in and join in the middle. Let me formally welcome everybody to the 2026 REEL Strengths Fair. I'm Surbhi, a board member with REEL, a nonprofit committed to ensuring Silicon Valley's twice-exceptional students thrive in school.
REEL works by raising awareness among parents and educators about practical, research-based strategies to meet student needs. You can join our online speaker events and support groups or get resources at our website. Today, we are thrilled to host our second fair focused on empowering neurodivergent children through a strengths-based approach.
We are even more thrilled to welcome our wonderful keynote speaker, Amanda Morin. Her talk is titled "Speaking Their Language: How Strengths-Based Communication Builds Trust, Confidence, and Connection." Amanda is a neurodivergent activist, award-winning author of six books, and a nationally known speaker committed to fostering inclusive environments.
Personal Identity and Authenticity
Amanda: Thank you all for joining me. If you were here as we were starting, I gave you bubbles for a few reasons. First, they’re just fun, and second, they are great for when you need to regulate and take a breath. Some people also dislike the sound of clapping, so you can wiggle your hands or blow bubbles instead.
I never quite know what to do when I hear my own introduction because it’s not how I see myself. I’ll be honest; I look at my professional headshot and realize we can't always show up like that. I’ve written books and advocated on Capitol Hill, but I’m really just a goofy person who loves comfortable clothes.
I am mom to three neurodivergent young adults, one of whom is actually here in the room today. They are also proudly neurodivergent, and we embrace our unique traits together. For example, I asked to have the lights down in here today because I simply couldn’t concentrate otherwise. This is what it looks like when twice-exceptionality shows up in real life.
The "Have a Day" Story
I want to start by telling you a story about how I used to send my kids to school. Like many parents, I would say "Have a good day" to my son, Jacob. However, Jacob was not having good days at the time. He hadn't yet been diagnosed as autistic, and school was a very tough road for him.
As the calls from school increased, I would try harder by saying "Have a GREAT day" or "Have a BETTER day." I watched my son shrink into himself every time I used these phrases. His eyes would well up, and he would get very quiet. I didn't realize that "Have a good day" felt like emotional pressure and a standard he couldn't meet.
One day, we watched a movie where a mother turned to her child and simply said, "Have a day." My kiddo just lit up in a way I hadn't seen in a long time. He told me that this made sense to him because "Have a day" carried no pressure or judgment. It meant that some days are good, some are hard, and some are just days.
Inherited Language and Communication Barriers
Language doesn't happen in a vacuum; we inherit it from our families and the systems around us. Until we know better, we often just imitate the phrases we grew up hearing. For me, hearing "Life’s not fair" was something that made me feel incapable as a child. Others here have heard "Try harder," "Do better," or "Just get over it."
In our house, we realized that communication breakdowns often came from a lack of shared meaning. Because of how my brain is wired, I need precision of language and very clear instructions. My husband, who has a language-based learning disability, is much more comfortable with ambiguity. He might use words like "soon" or "ready" in ways that I find unclear.
We spent years having the same arguments because we were trying to fix each other's language instead of collaborating. We finally realized we had to make our communication explicit and intentional. We had to define exactly what a phrase like "going out the door" meant. It meant shoes are on, teeth are brushed, and backpacks are ready.
The Double Empathy Problem
This communication shift relates to what researchers call the "Double Empathy Problem." Damian Milton coined this term to describe how communication between neurodivergent and neuro-normative people often crosses paths. Traditionally, society puts the responsibility for fixing these gaps solely on the neurodivergent individual.
I love using the beaver and squirrel analogy to explain this concept. Squirrels and beavers communicate perfectly well with their own kind, but they struggle when they try to talk to each other. Society often tells the "squirrel" that they have a disordered style and must learn to act like a "beaver." This places the entire burden of adaptation on just one group.
If belonging is mutual, we need tools that help everyone navigate when to adapt and when to advocate. We need to move away from the idea that one population is solely responsible for miscommunication. To help with this, I want to share a specific framework with you today. This is what we call the TRUE framework for authentic communication.
The TRUE Framework
The T in TRUE stands for Trust Your Feelings. We must teach kids to trust their instincts about what feels safe and authentic to communicate. Often, neurodivergent children are told their instincts are wrong or that they are being too sensitive. If they can trust their feelings, they feel much safer being heard.
R stands for Reflect on Camouflaging, which is similar to masking. This is when an individual imitates the behaviors of those around them just to blend in. While it can be a survival tool, it always comes at a high emotional cost. We should help students notice when they are "pretending" and when they feel like their true selves.
U represents Understand Your Needs. We need to ask how camouflaging affects a child's personal well-being. Masking can lead to anxiety, depression, and identity confusion over time. Effective communication isn't just about academic success; it is a form of mental health prevention.
Finally, E is for Experiment with Expression. This is about giving kids the power to try out different levels of self-expression in safe spaces. This applies to how they look, how they dress, and the specific words they choose to use. When we let them experiment, we are giving them the power to show us who they truly are.
Reframing Behavior as Communication
We can change the variable of an environment by changing how we speak. For example, instead of saying "You always..." we can say "I noticed that..." Instead of asking "What’s wrong with you?" we can ask "What’s happening with you?" These simple reframes move us away from judgment and toward a collaborative solution.
Oftentimes, when a child "acts out," they are actually just communicative. If a kid says a lesson is "dumb," they might be trying to say they don't understand it. If we label their curiosity as disrespect, we are squashing their desire to learn. We should stop labeling these moments as "behavior" and start examining them as communication.
There is a powerful phrase: "Connection before correction." When we move from deficit-based language to strength-based language, we see possibilities instead of problems. This doesn't mean being toxically positive or letting everything slide. It means leading with what a child does well and using those strengths as entry points.
Systemic Change and Conclusion
Effective communication is prevention because it helps students take risks and build resilience. This is how systems change—one small, intentional shift at a time. It isn't always about big interventions; it's about thousands of tiny changes in how we speak. Moving from compliance to curiosity reduces the exhausting cost of masking for our children.
Our family moved to California from Maine recently, so "seismic shifts" have been on my mind. I am aware that these small language changes are actually seismic shifts for a child's narrative. Every time we clarify instead of assuming, we are building deep trust. We are transforming lives so that people don't have to change who they are to belong.
You don't need to have perfect language or change everything overnight. You just need to have intentionality in how you speak to your children and students. By choosing curiosity over compliance and connection over control, we transform the world for neurodivergent minds. Thank you for being here, and I wish you all a day.