Self-criticism, negative self talk and perfectionism… What can we do about it?
Have you ever heard your child say things like this?
“I’m so dumb. I’m so bad.”
“It’s not good enough. I’m not good enough.”
“I can’t believe I did that. I hate myself.”
These kinds of thoughts come in so many different variations and are more common than we think. So many of us struggle with being incredibly hard on ourselves and speaking unkindly to ourselves. For a lot of 2e kids, they can often really struggle with perfectionism as well as being frustrated by the discrepancy of how much they know vs what they are able to show in school. This can lead to a lot of self-criticism and negative self-talk.
In this blog post, I am going to share some ways to support your child with these specific challenges.
As a recovering perfectionist, this topic is near and dear to my heart. I was incredibly hard on myself and my self-talk was not kind. While I did have almost perfect grades for my entire school career, my internal world was a mess to say the least.
So many of the children and teens that I have supported over the years have struggled with self criticism, perfectionism and low self esteem often in part because they receive messages from school that they aren’t measuring up.
One thing that helped me with my own journey was discovering Self-Compassion and watching Kristin Neff’s TED talk. I highly recommend checking out this TED talk if you or your child struggles with self-criticism or perfectionism. It is a great starting point.
So when I had to choose a thesis topic as a graduate student in educational therapy, I chose Self-Compassion in Education because I saw the power of self-compassion in my own life.
After completing my thesis and years of practice of self-compassion, I still don’t have it down perfectly but I definitely feel a lot better in myself. I also see meaningful transformation in the lives of the kids that I share it with. I have had kids share with me that they stopped hitting themselves after making mistakes after we discussed ways to practice self-compassion and I have also seen teens choose much kinder ways to treat themselves.
One of the key takeaways of my thesis was that you cannot teach and pass on self-compassion to children if you do not practice it yourself.
My best advice is to start with yourself. Modeling self-compassion can go a very long way.
There’s much more to share than I can in this blog post, but I created this list of questions below that can serve as a great starting point to start cultivating a kinder and more self-compassionate way to treat yourself.
I’m going to list my own answers in italics, but I encourage you to go through and explore your own answers. And if it would be a good fit for your child, maybe share some of these questions with the kids in your life too for them to explore.
Does saying mean things to myself help me achieve being perfect all the time? Nope.
Is it possible to be perfect all the time? This one seems obvious, I know. But it took me a very long time to realize the answer is no. And that if the game I’m playing is to never make mistakes, I will always lose.
Do I have to believe everything I think? No, I have personally found self-critical thoughts will still arise but now the difference is that I don’t believe or identify with them. When I have self-critical thoughts, I have learned to watch and observe them and not take them as truth. Mindfulness has really helped me with this!
Is there a feeling underneath the mean things that I’m saying to myself that needs to be felt? Usually yes. And seeing, feeling and validating that feeling usually works better than ignoring it or pushing it away. I have found that the uncomfortability of feeling a feeling never lasts forever.
What does that feeling need? For me, the answer is usually care and kindness. Kristin Neff suggests that a simple gesture like putting your hand on your heart can make a big difference. I agree!
What if I talked to myself the way I would to talk to a friend? I would be 1000% nicer. We are often so much meaner to ourselves than we would talk to a friend or even someone we don’t really know. Kristin Neff suggests talking to ourselves like we would to a friend.
Will I do this whole self compassion/being nice to myself thing perfectly? Nope, and that’s 100% okay. With consistency (not perfection), things usually get better in time. Progress, not perfection.
Try out these questions and see how they land!
Lastly, I’m going to leave you with some inspiration!
These cards have messages of self-compassion and normalizing mistakes. They were created by girls and their wisdom shines through the art and the writing. They are part of a for-girls by-girls card deck that I created with a group of girls in the Bay Area.
You can look at the art and read these by yourself and/or read them with your child and see what they think!
It’s okay to make mistakes. Perfect is for robots, not people.
Mistakes are normal. Don’t be afraid of failure, experiencing failure is part of life. Even just trying is much better than not trying at all. It might feel tough when you make a mistake but the feeling won’t last forever. Imperfection is okay and totally normal, remember that it’s impossible to be absolutely perfect. Perfect is for robots, not people.
Be kind to yourself
This card is a reminder to give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Give yourself credit for how far you have come and always treat yourself with compassion. You are the person you talk to the most in your mind, so make sure they are nice words. Be kind to yourself, then go and fill the world with your kindness!
I hope that this article has given you some new ideas to support your child! Please feel free to reach out to me at Nicole@nicoleconnell.com if you have any questions.
Nicole Connell is an educational therapist, mentor and personal learning fairy godmother for kids and teens who learn best outside the box. She works 1:1 and also leads empowering girls groups. Learn more: www.nicoleconnell.com..