Supporting My Highly Anxious Son: A Parent’s Journey of Small Wins

One evening, I was sitting at home, in a rare moment of quiet before bed, and realized I'd been spending almost all my time, energy, and resources supporting my children, and I was spent. We parents often spend more energy, time and resources supporting our twice-exceptional (2e) children than we do on managing other aspects of our lives. We do so with deep love and an unquestionable commitment, but I imagine we all agree that it can be exhausting and sometimes depleting. 

Over the past three and a half years, I’ve connected with many parents of 2e children, and I’ve learned that we parents are also on our own individual journeys, learning how best to support the rest of the family and ourselves. Each of our experiences is unique–even within a parent partnership–and, while community is incredibly helpful, at times it can still feel isolating. 

While I don’t have a playbook to provide, I hope sharing my own journey in supporting my amazing and complex 2e tween will be a gentle reminder that we’re all in this together–on this ride of both challenges and joy. Even during each of our unique journeys, we’ll likely find ourselves going through a handful of similar experiences: identifying the right supports for our kids; dealing with parental guilt; processing this life chapter; and embracing progress.

Identifying the right supports for each child

For many, our journeys in parenting 2e children begin with getting a 2e diagnosis in the first place. Even before my son’s clinical diagnosis, my husband and I recognized he needed more support than we were able to provide. With his self-esteem rapidly decreasing, and his growing negative attitude towards school, we sought a therapist for him. After interviewing over a half dozen, we found one. Naively, we smiled and whispered to each other, “Yay, us!”

After a few months of sessions, his therapist recommended we have him evaluated.   He was nine years old then. His evaluation confirmed what his therapist and his third grade teacher suspected: He’s gifted. This is when we also learned about his unspecified high anxiety disorder. Additionally, like many other kiddos with his profile, his evaluation identified several other strengths and challenges. This began a new chapter in our journey with him and in my own journey as a parent and an adult, meaning I had (and still have) my own “stuff” to manage along the way. 

Dealing with parental guilt 

Most of us parents are already plenty familiar with parental guilt…am I right? Parenting a 2e child amplifies it, with 20/20 hindsight as the common lever of choice. Looking back over the years, I ruminated, how did I miss so many signs, and what type of damage will those misses create? There was that evening when my son expressed with remarkable clarity and insistence that he no longer wanted to receive the Principal’s Award at school, which is given out to different students each month, because the event created tremendous dread in him as he walked to the stage and stood in front of the school to receive it. Then there was that time he wrung his hands so hard as he apologized to a car owner for accidently scratching the car with his bike that I was worried about him hurting himself. What kind of mother was I to miss all these signs and so many more? I judged myself with verdicts such as: I’m his mother, I should have known better. I should have done something sooner. I should have avoided certain situations. The “should-haves” layered on even more guilt. I’m grateful to my circle of close friends and therapy sessions to help me work through many of these periods.

A few times, I apologized to my son for something I had missed that led to discomfort for him. I held back on offering the rest of my hundreds of apologies to him because I realized they were more for me than him. Instead, they stayed swirling inside me, chasing after the guilt, followed by disappointment, frustration and grief. Usually, after a good cry or solid run, I could recognize that I can’t change the past, but I have the resources to help him now.  In other words, we’re all doing the best we can.

Processing this life chapter  

I was overwhelmed by trying to understand all the results of my son’s evaluation, which included many other strengths and challenges. As much as my husband and I yearned to address them all at once, we came to the painful realization that juggling them just wasn’t practical. Luckily, I reconnected with a friend from graduate school, who has a son with a similar profile and shared a wealth of wisdom. And when I learned about REEL almost six months later, I felt less alone within its incredibly supportive community.  Thanks to additional resources like Tilt Parenting, Mona Delahooke’s Brain-Body Parenting and The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron, my husband and I began to deepen our understanding of the diagnoses and clearly map out a plan (or, as we quickly learned, a version of many, on which we continue to iterate to this day!) for how to support him effectively. Even with the plan, I’ll admit that I continue to experience a mix of discouragement, overwhelm, underwhelm, inspiration, dead ends and a-ha’s.

After learning how anxiety can hinder learning and executive functioning, I decided to prioritize anxiety, but of course it wasn’t that straightforward. What about his increasingly negative attitude towards school–towards learning? He’s an incredibly curious child, who absolutely loves learning, so we needed to help him enjoy school again. I decided that supporting his giftedness was a very close second priority. Juggling two big areas, while daunting, seemed sort of doable.

As a result of all my research, I identified the most impactful areas to address first: sleep, catastrophizing and transitions. I also met with his teachers and the leadership at his school to try to better support his needs on campus. Like many decisions my husband and I have made for our children, intuition and science danced (and even argued) with each other. At times, the clinical data was disturbingly sparse, with emotionally convincing stories giving us hope. Other times, the data was super clear (thank goodness!). Nevertheless, sometimes with concrete evidence staring at me, I knew the recommended approach would not be a fit for him.  

Over time, I’ve become increasingly confident in my ability to get my son and provide what we think works best for him. I beat myself up when the chosen path doesn’t work as expected. I beg for patience and flexibility (with my son, husband and even myself), when the variables need to be tweaked a few times before we try another tool. (Can we try a heavier weighted blanket? Can we try a different meditation app? What about journaling?) When the outcome is positive, I quickly move on to the next area that needs attention.   

Recognizing and embracing progress

I know I need to take care of myself and at the very least pause for a little pat on the back. I do try to do this, but I admit to very quickly veering towards my son’s and my family’s needs. I’d love to end this story by declaring that my son now has control over his anxiety. I’d love to be able to stand tall and say, “We figured out everything my son needs, and we delivered!” Indeed, we’ve helped him. He’s even starting to help himself, by identifying resources and developing a solid toolkit. Let’s face it: His disorder means he’ll most likely always have to manage his anxiety, so he can live the life he wants. He’s come a long way. He sleeps much better, in terms of both quantity and quality. He’s learned to use tactics like looking at a person’s forehead, instead of their eyes, when he speaks with them. With these small and not-so-small victories, his confidence in experiencing the world has grown. 

And as he changes and matures, and we learn more about him, we continue to uncover other aspects of his anxiety that we need to support. I always have an eye towards what’s next. I will say that part of my own journey has been to make a point of identifying the wins and progress, even if I do so while brushing my teeth before bed or as I observe my son diligently swimming laps outside in rain and cold–something he does with great interest, willingness and commitment, in any weather, which has been surprising and really heartening to watch. As he finds the things he enjoys and wants to pursue, I’m trying to remind myself to take time to celebrate those things, as I work to support them.

I think the key for all of us parents trying to raise joyful, kind, healthy 2e kids is to really celebrate incremental progress. Write it down; take a picture; record it. Your child did that; you helped them; and you utilized the great resources available to help make progress. If we do a better job of intentionally celebrating our progress, we’ll have more energy when we go back to the drawing board and move on to the next challenge. 

Just last week, because of road work, I had to drop my son off pretty far from the usual entrance to his swim practice, along a relatively busy road. In the past, such a last minute change would have created major angst and hesitation in him.  Internally, I kind of freaked out but as calmly as I could, I told him about the change and asked if he was ok finding his way from the temporary drop-off point to the pool. He said yes, very calmly. After practice, I saw him emerge from the detour with confidence and focus to find me. He had a great practice, too! Not a big win—but progress.

Susan Tahir serves as Treasurer on the REEL Board of Directors. She has two children at home, including her 2e tween. She has over 15 years of experience building product and managing strategic alliances at startups and Fortune 500 companies. She previously served on the Board of Holt International Children’s Services. Susan earned her BA in International Studies from The American University and her MBA from the University of Michigan Business School. ​​She’s an endurance athlete, squeezing in marathons for now. 

Some of the resources I’ve found helpful:

For Parents:

• Brain-Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke

• Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents by Eli Lebowitz

• The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. 

• Living with Intensity: Understanding the Sensitivity, Excitability, and Emotional Development of Gifted Children, Adolescents, and Adults, edited by Susan Daniels & Michael M. Piechowski 

• The Neurodiversity Podcast (Emily Kircher-Morris)

• Scaffold Parenting by Harold Koplewicz

• Tilt Parenting podcast (Debbie Reber)

For Children:

• Find Your Calm: A Mindful Approach To Relieve Anxiety And Grow Your Bravery (Growing Heart & Minds) by Gabi Garcia & Marta Pineda  

• Lila Greer, Teacher of the Year by Andrea Beaty

• Under Pressure: The Science of Stress by Tanya Lloyd Kyi & Marie-Ève Tremblay