Ask Lucy Monthly Column: Rigidity, Starting to Write, Checking Email

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My autistic 2e teenager is highly resistant to changing his ways of doing things. I've encouraged him to write down important events in his calendar, but he won't because he "doesn't need to" (even though he inevitably forgets). His inbox has nearly 4,000 messages because he refuses to delete or archive emails. Whenever I try to talk to him about this stuff, we end up in a tug-of-war. Is there a way to start these conversations without him shutting down?

Oh, I know this pattern well. I've observed it in my students as well as in myself. I call it the "no reflex." This term was originally coined by the autistic blogger Cynthia Kim to describe the instinctive "no" that arises in reaction to something new. I love this coinage because it captures a critical feature of this rigidity: it's reflexive. We're not talking about a thoughtful, reasoned, based-on-a-balanced-examination-of-the-facts "no." It's an immediate, unequivocal, uttered-before-the-question-is-done-being-asked "no."

Start a conversation about the no reflex.

• Make it casual and non-judgmental

• “I read an interesting blog post about how some neurodivergent/autistic people have this ‘no reflex,’ where it’s really tough to switch gears and try something new. Do you relate to that at all?”

• Of course, someone with an active “no reflex” will likely answer no to a question about said reflex. If that’s the response, don’t push back, but do consider sharing more information or circling back.

Validate

This advice might sound counterintuitive at first glance. Why validate something you're trying to change? Here's the thing, though: validation isn't about agreeing with a thought. It's about recognizing and acknowledging the emotional experience behind it. You can do this by:

• “This seems like one of those no reflex moments. I know it’s hard to switch gears when you’re used to doing things a certain way.”

• (said with a smile) “You look pretty exasperated, which is totally fair, since we’ve been over this before.”

• “I’m guessing it’s annoying to have this conversation again. I totally get that. I do think it might be worth talking about this, though…Is it okay if I share a couple of ideas, and then we can be done?

It’s worth mentioning that when a kid (or teen) resists a task, something about it usually feels aversive or threatening. If we push back against this resistance, we risk strengthening it and solidifying the pattern of avoidance.

If, however, we acknowledge and validate their feelings, we can lessen their perceived need to defend themselves and open the door for further conversation.

Model flexible thinking

There's nothing as ironic as a rigid attempt to promote flexibility. If you want your kid to acknowledge their mistakes, you should do so, too. (And if, like me, you're writing blog posts about it, you definitely need to.)

Notice when you're wrong. Point it out. Laugh at yourself if you can. Use yourself as an example: "Remember how I was sure that [...], and then I learned that...?" This type of comment helps communicate that changing your mind is a virtue, not a sign of defeat, and that you're not singling your child out. Everyone benefits from greater flexibility.

Start with, “I wonder…”

I like this formulation because it’s casual and non-threatening. It allows you to plant seeds and encourages the other person to explore a new approach independently. It also makes room for the possibility that you’re wrong–see above about modeling flexibility.

• “I wonder how other neurodivergent high schoolers manage their schedules/stay on top of email.”

• “I wonder if using folders in your inbox could make it easier to check email.”

• “I wonder if we could try using a shared family calendar for important dates.”

Plan for a marathon, not a sprint

Rigidity rarely vanishes overnight. You’re looking for a gradual loosening of thought patterns, not an immediate transformation. Going too quickly will typically exacerbate the no reflex, but if you focus on planting seeds and creating curiosity, you can lay the foundation for a more reflective, less reflexive way of being.

I’m a junior in high school, and I’ve been having a really hard time with writing assignments. I can’t make myself get started, and as I procrastinate, the task looms bigger and bigger and fills me with dread. Is this an ADHD thing? And what should I do about it?

I want to start by commending you for your self-awareness and insight. You’ve made a valuable observation—and that’s the first step to solving the problem. That self-awareness will serve you as you test out strategies and work toward a solution.

In response to the first part of your question, I can tell you that anecdotally, this is certainly common in ADHD, though it’s not exclusively an ADHD phenomenon. You’re describing a struggle with task initiation, which falls under the umbrella of executive functioning issues that characterize ADHD. It’s also common for these challenges to arise as academic workloads increase.

What to do, then? There are a few different angles to approach this problem from…

Angle #1: Addressing expectations

Our beliefs and expectations about a task play a significant role in our decision to get started (or not). Educational psychologists describe this using a framework called expectancy value theory. According to this theory, our motivation to do something depends on two questions: 

1. What outcome do I expect? Am I capable of doing this? (That’s the expectancy part.)

2. Is this task worth doing? (That’s the value part.)

It sounds like you’re highly motivated to do these tasks, so you do see value in them. It’s the first part, the 

 In my experience, writing-induced dread is often fueled by our expectations and beliefs, which commonly include:

• This is going to be really hard.

• I can’t do this.

• This will be unpleasant and maybe even intolerable.

These thoughts aren’t entirely off-base. Of course, writing can be hard and stressful–otherwise, you wouldn’t avoid it. Nonetheless, overly negative thinking isn’t fully reflective of reality, and by correcting cognitive distortions, we can shift to a more productive mindset:

• I’ll feel so much better when I get this done.

• I can do hard things.

• If I keep practicing, writing will get easier.

• I’ll take it one step at a time.

It can also be helpful to write down how difficult you expect a task to be before you do it, then record the actual difficulty after. (I use a scale of 0 to 5 for this.) You might discover a discrepancy between expectations and reality, and this insight can help you adjust your beliefs.

Angle 2: Tackling open-endedness.

Another common cause of procrastination is not knowing where to start. Writing assignments can be overwhelmingly open-ended, leading to decision paralysis and panic. If you’re not sure what to do first, here are some ideas:

• Set a timer—a psychological trick; something about this makes it easier.

• Gather all the materials you need in one place. Sometimes, just looking at your notes and readings can spark ideas.

• Use this handy ultimate writing assignment checklist I made to map out the process.

• Try expressing your thoughts in a different medium: record yourself talking and feed it to transcription software, draw ideas on a whiteboard or post-it notes, make a mind map, or talk it through with a teacher/friend/tutor/parent.

Angle 3: Skill learning.

Getting started is a skill; if you practice it effectively, you’ll improve. The key is to practice consistently, not just when you need the skill.

Think about it this way: if you were learning to surf, you wouldn’t jump on your board, paddle into the ocean, and wait for a giant wave. You’d start small and work your way up instead. Similarly, regularly practicing initiating mildly unpleasant tasks can prepare you for big challenges.

Any advice for teenagers/young adults who struggle with staying on top of email?

Email is a huge executive functioning challenge! It’s an ongoing commitment rather than a discrete task, and it engages every EF skill, from organizing to prioritization to flexibility. Here are some of my favorite tips and strategies.

Make it a habit. Set aside a regular time to do email, and budget more time than you think you’ll need.

A place for everything and everything in its place. This maxim of home organizing is also relevant to email. Having a specific place for each type of message can reduce decision fatigue and simplify email management. 

Break it down. Checklists can help turn the vague, unstructured notion of “checking email” into a series of actionable steps:

• Scan inbox and delete spam

• Star messages that require responses

• Snooze messages that won’t be relevant until later

• Use labels to categorize messages

Update the checklist as you go. This way, you reduce working memory load and minimize the risk of forgetting something important.

Keep a running document with email rules and templates. I sent about a million versions of the same “May I come to office hours?” email in college. It never occurred to me to write down one script and refer back to it, but I would have saved a lot of time and effort that way. Autistic teenagers and young adults might find it especially helpful to note social rules related to email.

Experiment with AI. Lately, I’ve been asking Grammarly to generate a few versions of an email I’m struggling to write. I almost never use one of those versions in its entirety, but I think through the phrasing of each option and ask myself what sounds natural. 

Do you have a question you’d like the column to answer? You can submit it here.

About Lucy: I graduated from Stanford in 2024 with a degree in psychology and Slavic Studies. I currently live in Boston and work as a writing tutor with a focus on supporting 2e/neurodivergent students. I've been involved in the neurodiversity world since I was diagnosed with autism at age 18. I hope to pursue a PhD in psychology and develop evidence-based interventions to help neurodivergent students write. For tutoring inquiries, please check out my website!