REEL Spotlight Series: Learning about 2e/Emotional Regulation

In Action: Examples and Scenarios (Part 4 of 4)

The first article in this series provides an Introduction and Overview to Emotional Regulation. Then, the second article outlines A 3-Step Pathway to Better Regulation Management. In the third article, we discuss the Importance of Co-Regulation. In this final article in the series, we provide Real-Life Examples and Scenarios. We also include a Reference and Resource List. Plus, you can download this template of the 3-Step Pathway to use with your family. Prefer to read the full set of articles in one easy-to-print format? Check out this downloadable version.

Sometimes, the best way to understand a complex concept is by seeing it in action. Below are examples of self-regulation in practice, drawn from the collective experiences of REEL parents and caregivers, including from the participants in our Fall 2024 Facilitated Group Discussion. These stories reflect the journey we, as parents and caregivers, undertake to develop our own self-regulation skills and guide our children in discovering and using tools that support their unique self-regulatory needs. While these scenarios appear static on the page, it’s important to remember that self-regulation is a dynamic, ever-evolving process—and that’s both healthy and necessary. There are many iterations of events in our lives (even everyday common situations) where we can use this framework.

1. Identify indicators that your energy levels are being stressed or out of balance for the situation.

2. Get curious. This is a good place to ask questions to find out why your or your child’s energy level is stressed or out of balance now. 

3. Mitigate with strategies to help regulate: How can you and/or your child reduce, restructure, or restore elements affecting energy levels in order to thrive more often?

Get Curious: HALT Method

The HALT Method is one tool that you can use as you get curious about stressors leading to dysregulation. Ask your child or yourself these questions to quickly identify ways to come back to a more balanced state.

Am I Hungry? 

Do I feel Angry?

Do I feel Lonely?

Am I Tired? Thirsty?

Scenario 1: Leading by Example, A Parent’s POV  

Background. On my drive home from work after a long day, I pick up my child from school and find myself griping about other drivers, snapping at my kids with short and abrasive answers to their questions, and by the time I get home, I have a headache.

1. Identify Indicators 

Let’s take a moment to recognize that there are several indicators of stress here. I am irritable, exhibiting externalized “behaviors,” and even have physical indicators such as a headache. 

2. Get Curious 

So, now that I have identified I am experiencing stress, I ask myself, “Why now?” This could involve a series of questions:

• Is it the commute?

• How did I feel when I left the office?

• When and what did I last eat?

• Did these indicators start before or after the kids got in the car?

• Is there any weather I am contending with?

• Is there anything playing on the radio (or any other noises in the car) that are bothering me?

After thinking through these questions, I get a clearer picture of what may be happening: The commute doesn’t usually bother me, but I did have a really crummy meeting at the end of the day right before I left the office. I also haven’t eaten anything since a quick bite at lunch. I was grousing before the kids even got into the car. 

The earlier I recognize these indicators, the sooner I may be able to manage and self-regulate. The HALT Method can provide an easy to use framework for my detective work.

3. Mitigate With Strategies for Regulation

Before Leaving Work: I notice that as I’m packing up my stuff to head to my car, I have several stress indicators. My mind is racing with negative thoughts, I’m stiff in my movements, and I’m almost blind to my coworkers around me. What can I do to regulate my mind and body here and now and restore myself to a balanced energy level?

• Put a timer on my phone for 3-5 minutes, lean against my car, and take slow deep breaths—avoiding my phone entirely.

• Stop and take time to notice 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell, 2 things I can feel, and 1 thing I can taste.

• Play a short seek-and-find game such as spotting birds or bugs or count the number of  blue objects I can see around me.

Slowing down physically and redirecting my thoughts to something calming helps me recover so that I am better regulated when I pick up my kids. Instead of at an “eight” boiling point, I can self-regulate to a “two,” where I am better set to deal with upcoming stressors.

In the Car: What if I notice my stress indicators while I’m driving? I can take a moment to recover. For instance, I can ask my kid to tell me some of their favorite jokes, pass me a granola bar from the stash I keep in the center console, and/or have them share (info dump) about a topic they love. I might say, “I’m all talked out from my work meetings right now. Maybe you could tell me about all of your favorite Pokemon and their powers while I listen quietly.” 

At Home: Or what if I don’t notice my stress until when I get home? I can try to recover by taking 5-10 minutes by myself in my bedroom or the bathroom or I can have a dance party and waltz around the kitchen with my kids or rock out to music. If my kids don’t like my music, they can put on their headphones while I play my favorite song.

There are MANY ways to reduce stressors and restructure how you experience the drive home. What works one day may not work another day, but over time, certain strategies may prove consistently helpful. For instance:

• Reduce particular stimuli: I can’t listen to the news on my way to pick up the kids; it adds to my stress.

• Restructure the supplies in my car: I need granola bars and a bottle of water in the car.

• Restore: Taking deep breaths and watching nature really help, so remember to take 3 minutes before getting into the car to restore your energy levels to a more appropriate place for driving.

  
  

Self-regulation is a practice—one that evolves as we learn what works best for us and our families.

Scenario 2: ADHD and The Morning Routine 

Background. My kiddo and I are getting ready to head out the door for school in the morning, but my child is on the floor, yelling and growling about how stupid their shoes are and how they have no idea where their backpack is. I know his ADHD and fine motor skills challenges are challenging, but is that all that’s going on?

1. Identify Indicators 

When these moments happen, I try to pause and recognize the stress signals. My child is externalizing their stress by yelling and making agitated, exaggerated movements. They’re also irritable and snapping at me when I try to help.

2. Get Curious

Mornings can be tough for many families, and I’ve found that with my 2e child, it’s even more complex. This is often due to lagging skills or trying to fit a “typical routine” onto a neurodivergent child. 

Before I become dysregulated, I pause and ask, “Why now?” This leads me to a series of questions related to tying the shoes:

• Is this a trigger because of their small motor challenges?

• Is this task physically difficult and time-consuming, especially when we’re rushed? 

• Are they feeling frustrated, thinking, “This should be easy, but I’m struggling, and we’re in a hurry”? 

• Did they eat breakfast this morning or was their routine already disrupted in some way?

• Did they sleep okay last night?

• Do they have something stressful happening at school that I don’t know about? 

All of that may add to their stress.

3. Mitigate with Strategies for Regulation

   
   

Since small motor skills are a known challenge for my child, I try to support them by reducing stressors when we’re in a rush. I offer to tie their shoes, saying something like, “I’ll tie one shoe, then you tie the other, and then I’ll grab my purse and keys.” Sometimes, I’ll tie their shoes completely if it’s a particularly tough morning. I remind myself that they aren’t giving me a hard time; they’re having a hard time.

Acknowledging their difficulty and offering support also helps model self-regulation.

For the future, I might look for ways to reduce this stressor, like getting slip-on shoes or elastic shoelaces. In time-sensitive situations, I’ve found that prioritizing what helps now—like slip-on shoes—makes a big difference. While I want my child to learn to tie shoes, I’ve realized that practicing this skill can wait until a less stressful time or could be done with help from an occupational therapist. Even many adults prefer slip-on shoes for convenience. 

Expert Tips on Recovering, Reducing, & Restructuring for your 2e/ADHD Child:

A. Addressing Broader Morning Stress

Even after simplifying the shoe issue, I’ve noticed mornings can still be stressful. If my child shows signs of tension—tight shoulders, irritability, or freezing up—I take a step back and get curious. I ask myself:

• Are there other parts of the morning routine that involve fine motor skills?

• Am I supporting or scaffolding those areas to reduce stress?

For example, I’ve found that simplifying clothing choices helps. Elastic waistbands, t-shirts, and sweatshirts make getting dressed easier and less frustrating.

B. ADHD and Morning Routine Challenges

For my child, ADHD also plays a role in morning challenges. Research shows that ADHD can make it harder to remember task sequences, so we restructured our morning routine to include visual task printouts and multiple timers. Visual morning task boards are a big help. Time blindness is another common ADHD struggle, so I use alarms to structure our mornings. Here’s an example of what works for us:

• 6:45 am: Alarm to get out of bed, with the task board showing “get dressed” and “brush teeth.”

• 7:00 am: Alarm to go downstairs for breakfast. (I leave a buffer for snoozing or zoning out and gently remind them about their tasks.)

• 7:25 am: Alarm to signal breakfast is almost over.

• 7:30 am: Alarm to finish breakfast, put on shoes, and grab the backpack.

• 7:45 am: Alarm to head out the door.

C. The Importance of Modeling Self-Regulation

Finding solutions to help my child manage their experiences benefits everyone in the family. I remind myself that I’ve made adjustments in my own life to reduce stress and have learned to self-regulate when challenges arise. For example, I use alarms for tasks, labeling them with titles like “Get dressed,” and I don’t turn them off until I’m actually doing the task. I also use my phone and other devices to set daily reminders to stay on track with daily routines. Teaching and modeling these skills is essential. The earlier kids and parents start practicing self-regulation, the less stress we’ll all have to manage in the long run.

Scenario 3: Homework Woes with a 2e AuADHD, Dyslexic Teen

Background. It’s 6:30 pm and our family has just finished dinner. My teen is sitting at the kitchen table where they do their homework nightly and they seem to be frozen. There is no movement past getting out a binder and opening their laptop. There is no typing, no paper shuffling, and they have a blank stare. The only movement I have seen in the last five minutes is fidgeting with their pencil. 

1. Identify Indicators

I know that for my teen, task initiation can be challenging, which is not uncommon in ADHD. And I see several signs I have begun to recognize over the years as stress indicators. They are frozen and sitting very still while their eyes are glazed over. Their only movement is to absentmindedly pick at their pen top. Even though for some kids, dysregulation stress indicators could look like yelling, anger, irritability, fatigue, and so many more, my kid’s “freeze mode” is a stress indicator.  

2. Get Curious

We work on getting curious together as to why this is happening now. I start by asking them easy questions that are not demands. I approach them calmly and judgment-free (no easy task with a teenager!) to uncover what is going on and how we might support them to self-regulate and move forward, recognizing that the dysregulation might also stem from many stressors throughout the day.

• Are you doing okay?

• What is your next step?

• Is the lighting in the room bothering you? 

• Do you have your headphones?

• How can I help you get started?

• Tell me what was going on in your day?

• What’s the craziest thing that happened to you today?

• Do you want to talk about this now or in 30 minutes?

3. Mitigate with Strategies for Regulation

Homework can often feel like a high-stress time for everyone involved. With a teenager, taking a deep breath most likely won't help them fully self-regulate in this moment. Over the years, we’ve tried many steps to reduce, restructure, and restore around daily homework routines and challenges.  

• Reduce. We reduce homework stress by employing “body doubling,” ensuring someone else is in the room working quietly on a project (such as paying bills, reading a book, catching up on email, doing a craft project) while our teen completes homework.

• Restructure. We’ve restructured our homework routine to decrease stress by putting an intentional break between the end of the school day and the start of homework time. We’ve found that taking time between school and homework to do something fun and active helps create space for relaxation and a reminder that there is more to life than schoolwork.

• Restore. Proper rest is essential to our child’s ability to complete a long school day, participate in beloved activities, and then tackle homework. We’ve implemented routines such as closing down electronics and a consistent bedtime to help ensure our teen gets the sleep they need.  

These strategies have been the result of ongoing trials and adjustments refined over several years. Learning to regulate in the face of evolving stressors is an ongoing process of trying, reflecting, and then trying again. 

The benefit of this process is that our teen is actively practicing self-regulation and developing complex executive functioning skills now, with our guidance and support. This gives them the opportunity to experience setbacks, learn from them, and try again in a safe and collaborative environment. We believe it’s far better for our child to navigate these struggles at home at age 15 than to face similar challenges alone in an apartment at age 25.

So, we intentionally create space to discuss and make room for trial and error, supporting their growth while encouraging resilience. This approach ensures they are building the skills they’ll need to face future challenges independently, with confidence and self-regulation.

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You’ve reached the end of this series on 2e/Emotional Regulation with insights and lessons learned from our Fall 2024 Facilitated Discussion Group. The first article provides an introduction to the concepts of twice-exceptionality and emotional regulation. The second article outlines A 3-Step Pathway to Better Regulation Management. The third article dives into the Importance of Co-Regulation. We also include a Reference and Resource List. Plus, you can download this template of the 3-Step Pathway to use with your family. Prefer to read the full set of articles in one easy-to-print format? Check out this downloadable version.

We’ve presented an approach that, in our experience, can help with “in the moment” emotional regulation challenges and set up systems to address specific scenarios of dysregulation. A next step recommended by Dr. Stuart Shanker is to reflect. We encourage you and your family to be intentional about finding time to reflect on what you’re all learning about emotional regulation and energy management. Doing so periodically will ensure that those lessons you’re each learning are more fully embedded into your daily practices. 

Teresa Nair, M. Ed., has a Master's in Cognitive Diversity in Education and a Certificate in Twice-Exceptional Education from Bridges Graduate School, along with over 20 years of experience in education and business. Teresa is a passionate advocate for supporting families and neurodivergent children. Her extensive background and innovative work reflect her deep commitment to creating inclusive and neurodivergent positive environments. As a neurodivergent individual herself, Teresa combines empathy with expertise, offering valuable insights, resources, and support to help both parents and children navigate educational journeys with confidence and understanding. You can email Teresa at Teresa@reel2e.org.

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References & Resources

We created a series of articles on the topic of 2e/Emotional Regulation based on insights and lessons learned from our Fall 2024 Facilitated Discussion Group. The first article provides an introduction to the concepts of twice-exceptionality and emotional regulation. The second article outlines A 3-Step Pathway to Better Regulation Management. The third article dives into the Importance of Co-Regulation. The last article presents real-life situations. We also include this Reference and Resource List if you’d like to learn more. Prefer to read the full set of articles in one easy-to-print format? Check out this downloadable version.

• Stuart Shanker is a professor, researcher, and leading thinker in the self-regulation space. The Self-Reg website from The Mehrit Center houses a depth of information on the Shanker Self-Reg approach.

• Want to dive deeper into Stuart Shanker’s Five Domains of Self-Regulation? Check out these infographics from Kristen Wiens at North Star Paths. 

• Our very own DEAR REEL model includes the “Reframing Behaviors” component, which largely focuses on getting curious about dysregulation and all of its manifestations, from fight or flight to freeze and flop. 

• Autism Level Up provides a font of resources and tools focused on energy regulation, another way of thinking about self-regulation and emotional regulation 

• Curious about co-regulation? Kidnectivity provides a quick look as part of its Parenting in the 21st Century write-up.

• Express Yourself NC offers an awesome Emotional Regulation Hierarchy infographic and other great tips for emotional regulation. 

• Raising Children Australia outlines the ages and stages of self-regulation development as well as suggested strategies.

• Sunfield Center offers tips for Self-Regulation for Parents of Neurodivergent Children.

• Looking for something a little more academic? This 2020 study addresses the complexity of self-regulation for neurodivergent children.

• Prefer a video to learn more about emotional regulation? We love this one from Emily Kircher-Morris at the Neurodiversity Podcast.

• Dr. Danika Maddocks provides this seven-minute read “Oh no! Homework! Tips for Reducing Power Struggles Over the Dreaded H-word”