Ask Lucy Monthly Column: Neurodiverse Tech Addiction, Perfectionism
- Lucy Wallace
- Sep 9
- 4 min read
Do you have a question you’d like the column to answer? Email asklucy@reel2.org.
Parent question: There's been a lot of discussion about the effects of technology on teenagers' attention spans and mental health. I'm wondering if you have thoughts on how tech use impacts 2e teens in particular. I can tell that social media and technology are detracting from my son's ability to concentrate, but I'm not sure what can be done about it. I don't want to police screen use or fight about it endlessly, but I do worry that constantly being on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, etc. is harming him. How would you approach this?
The effects of technology on teenagers are indeed well-documented. While I don't have scientific data to support this, my instinct is that teenagers with executive function issues are even more vulnerable.
The good news is that there are lots of solutions to try. Here are just a few:
Switch your phone to grayscale. I tried this recently, and I was amazed. Distractions are now far less distracting.
Explore browser extensions that target specific attention-grabbing features. I like Unhook, StayFocusd, and LeechBlock.
Learn about others’ experiences. It can be isolating to feel like the only person who’s trying to get away from social media. Visiting sites like #MySocialTruth and LogOff can help alleviate the shame that often accompanies problematic tech use. I was especially relieved to learn that even experts in persuasive technology struggle to resist the pull of social media.
Expand your repertoire of free-time activities and add them in before adjusting your tech use. If you quit social media without finding something to replace it, you might end up bored, which could lead you right back online. Instead, start by seeking out alternative leisure activities. Cal Newport, one of my favorite podcasters, recommends the following six high-quality leisure areas:
Reading books
Watching high-quality video material, such as movies, documentaries, and TV shows (rather than more mindless content)
Pursuing skill-based hobbies that provide a sense of accomplishment
Exercising in whatever form you prefer
Joining communities that meet regularly: a friend group that gets together every week, a club with scheduled meetings, an online meet-up, etc.
Seek out adventures that involve exploring new places and engaging with the world.
To these, I would add one more item: service. Volunteering benefits everyone involved, and it provides a unique sense of fulfillment.
For a deeper dive into digital minimalism and high-quality leisure, check out r/digitalminimalism and r/nosurf. Yep, you can join Internet communities to get off the Internet. How’s that for irony?
Parent Question: My daughter, a rising eighth-grader, is very smart, very anxious, and very perfectionistic. It takes her a long time to complete relatively simple assignments because even though she's more than capable of doing the work, she keeps iterating out of fear that she hasn't done enough. She ends up running out of time to do the rest of her homework, which creates more anxiety. Eighth grade will bring a much heavier workload, and I'm worried about her ability to cope. What can I do to help her?
Your daughter sounds just like me! I was a raging perfectionist in middle and high school, and I've slowly, painfully learned to interrupt the endless iteration cycles. Here's how I think about this type of problem.
Imagine setting a thermostat to 72 degrees. To accomplish that goal, the system must continuously monitor the temperature and act based on that feedback. If the temperature is under 72 degrees, the heating continues. If the temperature is at or above 72, the system stops heating. In an ideal scenario, we use a similar feedback loop to accomplish tasks. If I'm grocery shopping, I'll ask myself, "Do I have everything I need?" If I don't, I look for the remaining items on my list. If I do, I head for the checkout line. That's what a functional feedback loop does–but there are many ways for it to go wrong.
Perfectionism often involves two issues related to the good-enough threshold. The first is that the threshold is set too high, making it time-consuming or even impossible to reach. The second is that there is no threshold. I grappled with this challenge in high school, when my MO was, "I'll keep going until my work is good enough." But my work never seemed good enough, so I didn't stop until I ran out of time or could no longer keep my eyes open.
Whether your daughter's good-enough threshold is too high, constantly changing, or nonexistent, the solution is the same. Setting the threshold in advance will help her avoid getting stuck on assignments. Her threshold could be time-based: I'll work on this for 20 minutes, then stop. It could be task-based: I'll write two paragraphs. However she wants to frame it, she needs a discrete goal.
Stopping when she reaches that threshold will be difficult at first. Her inner critic will likely start shrieking: "What? No! This is nowhere near good enough! If you stop now, terrible things will happen!" With practice, though, she can get comfortable with setting realistic good-enough thresholds–and she'll discover that by spending less energy on some tasks, she'll have more fuel in the tank for others.
Do you have a question you’d like the column to answer? Email asklucy@reel2.org.
About Lucy: I graduated from Stanford in 2024 with a degree in psychology and Slavic Studies. I currently live in Boston and work as a writing tutor with a focus on supporting 2e/neurodivergent students. I've been involved in the neurodiversity world since I was diagnosed with autism at age 18. I hope to pursue a PhD in psychology and develop evidence-based interventions to help neurodivergent students write. For tutoring inquiries, please check out my website!
