My 2e kid is a full body laugh-er. But, up until a few months ago, I had forgotten.
My daughter hasn’t always struggled. There was a time when joy and curiosity radiated out of her every pore. But, by the time she was 10, traditional schools and societal expectations had molded her into a person we know longer recognized. At this point, interactions with her were met with a creative mix of exhaustion, avoidance, and frustration. After realizing our local public school was part of the problem, (like many parents of 2e kids) we went down the rabbit hole of educational options: public charter school, private gifted school, private LD school, supportive boarding school. But, none of these schools understood the complexity that came with being REALLY asynchronous.
By her senior year, my daughter had transitioned to a more flexible homeschool/online charter high school to help her get across the finish line. Still, everyday was a slog. Her joy was gone. Her nervous system was in shutdown mode.
As the end of high school loomed, my daughter became more withdrawn and avoidant. Seemingly innocent requests about her future plans were met with terror in her eyes, a change of subject, and sometimes, a change of room–door slam included.
It had come time for me to internalize that my daughter was not ready for the demands of college. So instead of diving into the college applications process during her senior year of high school, my daughter opted to take an unstructured gap year after graduation. And six months into it, I can confidently say that this decision has positively changed the trajectory of her life.
There are many gap year programs available for the kids who are not ready for college or don’t know what they want to do next. Some programs focus on skill building, some focus on independent living, some are internship/co-op programs. However, all of the gap year programs we looked at had the same thing in common: they were structured. Most all the programs had posted daily schedules and requirements. They looked a lot like school. The last thing my daughter needed was more school.
What my daughter needed was the opportunity to define who she is and who she aspires to be. After years of being told she wasn’t ever “quite right,” she didn’t know who she was anymore. She only knew what she wasn’t. She wasn’t a great student. She wasn’t like other kids. It didn’t matter if we thought she was great. Bullying from teachers and students had left my daughter a shell of her former joyful self. My daughter had spent so many years being defined by the wrong system, she had internalized that she was the one that was broken.
Does my daughter need to work on strengthening her independent living skills? Yes. Does she lack some critical time management strategies to succeed in college? Yes. Does she need to address the perfectionism that keeps her from performing to her potential? Yes, to all of it. However, instead of trying to meet a structured gap year program’s benchmarks, she is learning these skills through real life experiences that she chooses. My daughter understands that these are the skills she will need to master in order to be successfully independent (e.g. remembering to take her medication, keeping a calendar, shopping for healthy food.)
This fall my daughter applied to a number of colleges*. In fact, the college application process became an unexpected structure for this unstructured gap year. From the preparation, to the application, to making a final decision, planning for college has given her a reason to stay focused. With each school acceptance letter, her confidence has grown. The application process has become a real world lesson in organization, communication, time management and self-acceptance. For the first time since she was little, my daughter is excited for her future.
Part of this excitement is rooted in her ability to have control over her days. As a newly minted adult, my daughter’s days are hers to schedule. Has there been a lot of video games and anime? Of course. But there has also been a lot of time to engage in other activities. She meets with a private tutor to prepare for college-level Calculus, volunteers at the Humane Society, practices Japanese, and draws daily. She has found a group of friends online with similar interests and has established a Twitch streaming channel. She still has down days and hiccups, but for the most part, the good has far outweighed the bad.
Going away to college is still super scary for my daughter, but I think she is up for the challenge. More importantly, I think that there is now a part of her that thinks she is, too. The unstructured gap year didn’t eliminate my daughter’s challenges, but it allowed her to take ownership of the steps she will need to take in order to reach her goals. There is once again light in her eyes and emotion in her choices.
Our 2e kids know what they need, but some of them struggle to define it. As parents, I think it is paramount that we allow our children the opportunity to seek out what makes them happy, even if it takes time. I am a firm believer that time is really just a construct and the gift of failure is an opportunity to step back and reevaluate our values. It may not be for everyone, but the unstructured gap year is what my daughter needed. I am happy to report that 6 months in, not a day goes by that we don't hear our girl full body laugh.
*Note: Shout out to fellow REELer and independent college counselor, Helen Amick, for all of her support in making my daughter’s college application journey so successful.
Gabrielle Boles is currently a Master’s student at the Bridges Graduate School. She is a 20 year veteran of the California higher education system primarily working with marginalized and underrepresented students. Her current research interests include the perception of gifted/2e outliers and identifying internalized bias in the classroom. Gabrielle lives in a comically twice-exceptional house with two teenage daughters, a husband and a (most likely) 2e dog.